That is totally okay!
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The light of the sun rising gleaned through the window
I think you meant gleamed here, I’m pretty sure gleaned doesn’t make sense in this context.
Just did this one because it was the first one I immediately saw.
In general, you’re missing some words and commas, and some of your words are in the wrong tense.
Generally, I’ve noticed that the first few paragraphs of a book (lol in the books I’ve read) either describes the scene or introduces a character(s) that is important to the story. So judging by your first paragraphs, I’m thinking that Chello is a recurring character, despite being a dog, and it seems that Lena is the MC. I also glean that Lena is close to Chello, and since she’s talking out loud to her dog, she lives alone and her dog has been there for her when many other people haven’t been. Also, Chello seems very attuned to the emotions of Lena. Lena seems like an ordinary person, which I feel like, as a reader, is what you want me to think, and so then I think that all is not as it seems with her.
Anyway, critiques… I think you’re doing a good job with descriptions. I’m not a huge fan of pages after pages of just describing the environment, so I like how it’s short and sweet. I don’t have a dog so I have no idea how people talk to them lmao, but the dialogue between the two of them seemed a bit much for me. To me, it sounds like she’s talking to an actual person instead of just a dog, but if you wanted that dialogue to represent just how extremely close they were, then keep it. Although I’d think that if someone was speaking to their dog, it’d be less formal. Like instead of “Oh don’t you dare give me that innocent look, you know what you did,” maybe “Oh, stop with that innocent look, you know exactly what you did.” And yeah
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I will respond later. Sorry, busy with work but you did a great job with giving sound advice.
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I’ll post here in a while. Busy life, you know?
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Completely understand!
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Yes, I think that was the word I meant. I kept second guessing what to put there.
I figured I had done this since I wrote this without going back over it fully.
Yes, Chello is her dog that will be with during the whole story. Sadly, I couldn’t add him into the episode version. Lena is one of the main characters in the book but it does follow her more. Animals can be main characters as well. I’ve read many books like that.
Most people talk to their dogs they own. I do this to all three dogs. Oh Lena is not the only person in the house. Chello has been with her for a while now so he stays where she is all the time.
I don’t like it when people use too much details either.
I might change it to that suggestion. The dialogue parts are a bit rough because this is the first thing I written that is not Episode Script Coding. Thanks for you for everything you commented on! I will check your now. Also, sorry for the delay, I didn’t get off until 8:30pm today.
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Yay~ and Np~
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Is it bad to say I don’t find anything that needs to be fixed? Well maybe write out the dialogue of what he said. That way the ending has more of a deeper effect to the reaction she gives at the end? That is the only thing I could see that needed to be worked on.
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This is from a story I started writing on several years ago, but never had a chance to continue.
"Riley, this is the third time this week we've had to sedate you," the doctor says, reminding the young woman of the past few incidents in Ward 13.
She only stared at the nearby wall, refusing to make eye contact with Elliot Harrison, the hospital’s head doctor. As he continued to converse with her, she noted the lack of empathy in his voice, as he was never sincere with her or the other patients at the Wayward Psychiatric Hospital. The office space fell silent, the only noise being that of the papers being shuffled on Harrison’s desk.
A sigh would escape from his lips from disappointment, knowing far too well that Ms. Godfrey wasn’t going to converse with him anytime soon. A moment passed before he pressed one of several buttons sitting on his seemingly organized desk, summoning one of the wardens to take the patient back to her room.
“Hopefully our next session will be on better terms,” the doctor would say as one of the wardens, Nial (if he remembered correctly), gently escorted Riley out of his office.
However, it would be the last session that the hospital would ever see.
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I’ll read it in a few minutes!
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I think it’s good, but I mean, if you have to sedate someone usually they’re acting REALLY aggressively, and I think that that is kinda lacking in what you wrote. It just seems wayy too calm.
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This scene took place the day before, and at the time, I was nineteen and had no idea what I was even writing. 
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Ok so it’s good, I just think it need more like, aggression. I like this:
because it shows that the character is already kinda aggressive and not obeying orders. Since it seems like she’s already been/being sedated, maybe she tries to sluggishly punch him or something? When I think of this scene, I’m mainly just wondering as a reader, why is she being sedated- was she being too aggressive or was it because of the doctor being bad lol.
Anyway, I think it was really good aside from that!
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Thanks. At the time, I had considered her attempting to shove everything off the Doctor’s desk, including the files on her, though she wouldn’t have had much success. Instead, she’d sluggishly fall to the ground, cursing up a storm and insulting the Doctor and telling him off.
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Yeah that would have been great! Or if she was too sedated to do anything, you could have had chaos around her, such as doctors rushing in to pick her up, hearing the chatter outside- you really need some sort of chaos otherwise the reader kinda forgets that there’s a reason she’s being sedated in the first place.
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Maybe I’ll rewrite the whole thing. I’m currently creating another playlist for a story called The Crow of Descent.
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I mean, you don’t have to re-write it! That’s why first drafts are a thing, i mean, they’re kinda supposed to be bad. I used to constantly re-write mine until I learned that that wasn’t working cuz I wasn’t getting anything done! Anyway, right now I’m looking for a scene to post to this thread lol.
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Scene open for brash critique lol:
Landon puts his hand up to the glass and looks up at space. The stars and distant planets are moving and beautiful swirling dust seems to glide along the stars. They woke him up from his bed to look at the stars, usually they are just in the clouds, smoothly sailing. But sometimes they get up to the height where they can see Space. He wonders why no one else is with him. He continues to look at the stars, and his eyes focus on one planet. It looks big from here, but he knows it is far, far away.
It is completely white, but with swirls of light brown inside it. Tiny lights dimmer and flicker there. Almost like the stars themselves. He rests his face gently on his hands, looking out the window at this planet.
“Ox. It’s called.” Myombi says.
Landon jumps up, startled yet Myombi is unmoving.
“Did you call me here, sir?” He asks.
Myombi says nothing, and just stares out at the planet.
“Looking out at the stars and all the planets, it does make you feel alone in the big universe, doesn’t it?” Myombi says.
Landon looks at him, confused. Myombi never talks about this sort of thing, he’s only seen him talk about training. Then he looks out the window when Myombi doesn’t reply. It doesn’t make him feel alone… not really. Because looking out at those stars and planets, he knows that he’s part of them, that he’s a piece in this universe, like the rest.
“It is the only planet nearest to us, Ox is, the others are simply just… too far away. We don’t have enough fuel to reach them.”
Landon just stares out at Ox. He knows that people live there. He wonders at what their life is like. What they do, how they live. Do they know about the disasters?
“Tell me the story of It again Landon.” Myombi says.
Landon looks up at him with surprise on his face, “But sir, don’t you know it?”
Myombi laughs, “My boy, you can never hear too much of a thing.”
“Well, I’m not much of a storyteller…” Landon says.
“Tell me your own short version then.” Myombi says.
Young Landon looks up at the stars, his eyes twinkling like them. He smiles slightly, the twinkle reaching his lips.
“Okay. Well, there is this God we call It. This God ruled a land where he had a lot of power. He was the king. Until a peasant girl managed to trap him and send him to the stars. Trapped forever in a cage. Until one day, when the final descendant of the peasant girl is born, with the ability to see the disasters.”
“Good, my boy.” Myombi says.
They sit in silence for a while, after that, staring at the stars.
“Myombi-” Landon starts tentatively.
Myombi gently puts his finger up to his lips, shushing him. He would do that a lot. Myombi looks towards the stars, then Landon does as well. They’re pretty, he thinks, but doesn’t understand what Myombi could be looking at past them. Then after a while, Myombi begins to speak.
“Do you know where we all came from?” Myombi asks.
“No? Weren’t we born on the ship?” Landon guesses.
His only memories are of the ship. His life, his whole world, was here. Myombi laughs.
“We’re all from that planet that you’re looking at right now.” Myombi says.
Landon puts his hands up to the glass and gasps.
“A lot of you came from orphanages, some came from people who designed this ship in the first place.”
“So it wasn’t a dream…” Landon whispers.
“What was, my boy?” Myombi asks.
“That I grew up in an orphanage. So I don’t have a family?” He asked.
He had always hoped that somewhere on this ship there was a family waiting for him. But, that was more in the back of his mind. He was happy with his life and his friends here.
“Not that we know of, no.” Myombi says.
Not that they know of… “So… I could have a family down on that planet?”
“Let’s not focus on that my boy, people are put into orphanages for a reason, you know.” Myombi says.
“Besides, there’s something that you need to know now that is more importan-” Myombi starts.
“So they either didn’t want me… or…” Landon begins.
“They’re likely dead, my boy. Now- this is less important than-” Myombi starts.
Landon looks up at him with frightened eyes, “Dead?” He chokes.
He looks to the stars, hoping the tears in his eyes will go away. He looks to the stars, his only memories bleak. Of being in a dark room, walking down dark hallways, and getting shoved and locked in a room. His entire childhood, gone. Erased from his memory, and he doesn’t even know why. And he has a particularly good memory! But in that dark room… there was something… someone.
“Is she dead too?” He mutters to himself.
“Speak up my boy- I’m getting older and my hearing is going too.” Myombi says.
“Stop calling me that.” He says.
Myombi looks surprised, yet eerily pleased.
“That is what I will call you until you can prove to me that you are anything but that, a boy. But you still would like to be a boy wouldn’t you?” Myombi says.
“Maybe I wish you didn’t take everyone away! Taken me away!” Landon says.
He expects Myombi to look angry, but he doesn’t, he just continues to stare at him without not a change on his face.
“You wondered if the girl you knew down there was dead- why is this important to you?” He asks.
“You heard me-” Landon says.
“I hear everything.”
Landon goes silent. He does not answer. He wants some part of his past to be alive.
“How do you know that she isn’t on this ship?” Myombi asks.
“She isn’t.” Landon says quietly.
“Well, if you are good enough, maybe you will eventually find her when you go back.” Myombi says, getting up.
Myombi begins to walk to the door, Landon looking at him--surprised. “Go back?”
Myombi turns around, “Of course, to fight the disasters. You’ll be the leader. By then, I’ll be too weak to lead everyone.”
“I can’t be the leader!” Landon says.
“Of course you will, I have faith.” Myombi says, turning around.
“I’ll have someone show you your new room. You won’t be seeing any of those pupils you knew for a while. Until you are 18.” He says.
Landon tries to run to the door, but he shuts it and locks it. He did it again. Ripped it right from his fingers, his childhood- his fun, his life. And he didn’t even begin to realize. He pounds against the glass, tears dripping down his cheeks and sobs escaping from his chest. He must have sat there for an hour at most. After a while, he could tell that someone was watching him. It was then that he dried his tears and faced the door. He couldn’t have changed this.
Then, a tall man entered. He had white hair and light purple eyes. He wasn’t older though, he looked to be in his 20’s.
“I’m going to be your trainer, Landon. Now come along with me, the rest are waiting.” He said, and turned around.
Landon followed him. His had was down and his eyes were dark. He looked towards the other door on the other side of the hall, the one that led to the rest of the ship, to his friends and to Liv. But as his footsteps sunk into the ground with heavy slow falls, he realized that he would forever give that up. Nothing would ever be the same. Everything was going to change.
Landon sits now in front of the crowd before him. They know his name, but he doesn’t know any of theirs. But he knows what they feel, maybe he shouldn’t-but he does.
Oki so this is part of a story I’m writing right now. It’s bad. But I’m working on the first draft so right now I’m just word vomiting and writing what comes to my head and stuff. If it’s bad or I don’t like it, I just move forward. But I am curious about what people think of this scene and how I can improve it when I do the second draft. Also would appreciate less comment on my horrible grammar/spelling lol, cuz I already know that that is probably bad (really bad oof). But it’s more interesting to me to hear comments about the plot in general so…
Lol now reading it back which I’m just gonna stop doing before I hurt my brain-sounds like something a middle schooler would write… wow um
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Lmao can you tell I have no idea what he said 
Anyway, yeah sure I’ll have to try that!
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Lol it’s okay! I think that is just the one part that needs to elaborated on. If you need help with it just let me know!
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