Advice for anonymous pieces of writing

Writing Desk Archive
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So instead of making multiple threads for advice about a specific scene or piece of writing in any format whether that’s a book, poem, letter, etc, it’d be more handy to just have a main thread for this so we can all come together and get advice.

Here you can insert your writing anonymously (or just insert here) a piece of your writing including the backstory or valuable information so people can read it and give advice, tips, and/or answer any questions you want answered about your specific piece of writing in a form here and I will post it on this thread for others to give feedback:

I think this can include writing excerpts for blogs, essays, as well as reports. Just state what you want feedback on.

I think this is different to @Eleanor_W-15’s anonymous writing advice because hers is for fictional writing in general, but this is focusing on getting advice and feedback from excerpts of your writing that you submit.

Reminder:

Expect criticism and do not send in excerpts if you only want positive compliments. While you might get it, most likely will you get criticism that isn’t meant to hurt your feelings, but might appear blunt enough to come off as threatening. (That is if people even use this thread for it’s intended use.) Do not take it negatively, and try to just focus on what is being said, not how it’s worded or stated. If you focus on how they said it and make it clear in a post, that is tone policing and violates the forum guides. I recommend you keep it to yourself and find a way to deal with it without breaking any rules or just refrain from submitting excerpts in general.

@Writers @Advisers @HomeworkHelp @Helpers

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there’s actually already an anonymous writing advice thread

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^^

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ah okk then

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Yeah I already saw how this might seem like a multiple thread but I made sure to include that note to set the difference between the two.

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Added some tags :eyes::sparkles::green_heart:

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Submitted one :sunglasses:

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WRITING #1

Trigger Warning: Anxiety, abusive parents

Type of writing: First chapter from a novel

Backstory: So this is the first chapter of my very bad story lol. It’s this story about disasters coming to this world. It’s dystopian/futuristic as well. I’ve written a lot for it but could never finish it because it had sooo many flaws. I might submit another part of it as well but I wanna just do this for now to avoid confusion. What happens is there are two worlds kinda. So the first world is the world of (I think I called it OX) and outside of that a spaceship that nobody knows about that contains people who are trained to fight the disasters that will come to the world (the disasters are supposedly brought on by this god/monster but they’re actually from the government). They think that this girl named Liv is that person but actually it’s the MC you’re about to read in this chapter. The MC of this chapter has parents that abused her so she was sent into the foster care system but she doesn’t really remember them. She only has glimpses because she was so young when it happened. She was adopted by a rich woman.

Piece of writing:

Section One: The Very Beginning

I look up at the sky, the clouds huge in the light blue sky. The clouds are moving, constantly, slowly, moving across the sky. Whenever I see the clouds, I always thought they looked like they were breathing. In and out, shapes form and change, in and out… I start getting dizzy. Again. Oh, why can’t I just be normal- and not freak out about these kinds of things? I’m being overdramatic. Like I always am. I slowly get up, pulling the brown hair tie out of my hair and putting it on my wrist, where there already is a red band from having it there so long. It’s really only a second bracelet… I pull my silver necklace out and run my fingers through it, along its curves, and along with the words I love you. Lowercase I. I’ve always liked lowercase i’s.
Suddenly that robot voice booms over the dingers outside; “ATTENTION. ATTENTION. MAY WE PLEASE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION. Section in4 ou3 house 7 is to come to trial today. REPEAT. Section 4, in3, ou5 house 7 are to come to trial today.”
I suddenly breathe again, I was holding my breath the whole time.
“IT IS 9310 TIME, STREET CLEAR.”
“Street clear?” I bolt up, hastily walk inside.
“ALL RESIDENTS WILL GO INTO THE NEAREST BUILDING.”
I’m inside now, looking outside the windows until the windows board up. Anxiety starts to swirl inside me. What if something is wrong? What if there is an intruder? What if…
“Probably because of the trials,” Mom says.
I turn around and walk into the dining room, and sit on the gray chair. Mom is flipping through papers, nice, orderly, neat, hair in a bun and everything. I could never be that perfect.
But you could…. If you were good enough.
“Nothing’s wrong. They probably just don’t want any unwanted company at the trials, with all the rallies and such.”
Unwanted company… I shake off that thought… It couldn’t be the Blue X’s could it?
“Get those myths out of your head young lady,” Mom says, patting my head with a newspaper, somehow, someway, she manages to completely read my mind with her special mom powers.
---------------------------------------------------------------4th Eve Bell:89
-My room-

“Did you guys hear about the trial?” Denisha asks
“Yeah, we had a clearing.” 
“That sucks,” Tina says
“I was over at Den’s house when it happened, and I could hear the dingers just telling us of the trail over and over again…” Tina says, continuing. 
“Ugh, I swear those things are glitched,” Den says. 
“What? No way they never glitch.” I say
The dingers were designed by the government as a system to make sure that we are properly following rules, and our society is in order, the dingers are mainly a system of speakers throughout all the sections, so that way everyone can hear what’s going on. 
Denisha rolls her eyes, and Tina looks confused like I just said something incredibly stupid. I stare back at them through the screen, expecting them to laugh, like they usually do, but they stare back at me, with those same looks on their faces. 
“Nevermind…” Tina says, sighing. 
“So, what plans do you have for the breaks?” Den says, a smile plastered on her face, I’m just happy for the change in subjects. 
“I haven’t made plans yet, have you guys?” I ask. 
“Nah, but we’re hoping for a sleepover,” Tina says, pleading me with her eyes. 
She knows my parents are so strict, they never let me go out. At least- with them. 
“You guys know my mom…” 
They both roll their eyes. 
“So what? Sneak out, we do it all the time.” Den says. 
“DENISHA WILLS!” Tina shouts, but a smile is on her face.
Then they start laughing. 
“She sneaks out, not me,” Tina says, in between laughs. 
I laugh along with them… even though I don’t mean any of it… There are laws… there are rules… I look at my pictso, it’s almost time up! 
“It’s time to get off guys,” I say, but they’re still laughing, laughing and laughing and laughing. 
I shut off my pictso and shut off my lights. 
I sit in the darkness for a while, my mind buzzing. Rules float through my head, swirling, and swirling and swirling. Constantly. I can feel my anxiety start to come, like a silent shadow creeping up on me, I can feel it. The anxiety. The attack, coming. I breathe, in and out. Just like my therapist told me to do. Asa, remember, the rules are only in place to keep us safe. Remember? People who follow them are safe. You follow them you’re safe. You’re safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. What I couldn’t contemplate was why my friends didn’t. Didn’t want to be safe. I sat in the darkness for a long time.
I cover my ears as I hear my parents yelling. Tears are uncontrollably leaking out of my eyes, something that I cannot stop, and that does scare me. I’m afraid. Afraid they’ll hear me. All the drawings are on the floor now, ripped to shreds. The bad, bad drawings. Cause’ drawing is bad. Silence. Suddenly my door bursts open. 
“Now, does anybody remember our LC rules?” Mrs. Graciella asks. 
Mrs. Graciella’s voice snaps me out of my daydream, one of which I never knew I was in. 
“Asyra?” Mrs. Graciella asks, begging me with her eyes to say the LC rules. 
I take a deep breath, my nerves twisting and tangling- tearing knots in my stomach. “The rules-”

Suddenly we are interrupted by a loud, blaring buzzer.
Mrs. Graciella grins, her grin getting wider and wider with each passing second.
“Students, we are going to be having LC’s first surprise inspection! So I hope your students have been doing your best work!” Mrs. Graciella says enthusiastically.
Surprise inspection? I can feel my anxiousness wash over me before I calm myself down. Relax, it’s okay, they’re only doing this to keep us safe. Nothing has ever happened at an inspection… Just keep your hands in front of you, your papers in order, and a slight smile on your face. One of the rules floats through my head, the last one. Learning Core’s mission is to get every last person in this community, smiling. So we should see you smile whenever we see you! I try to smile as big as Mrs. Graciella. When I look around the room, not many are remembering to smile, I start to get more nervous; when suddenly there is a knock at the door.
“Coming!” Mrs. Graciella happily chirps.
Five men and five women enter the room, along with several machines that look like robots. They are robots. They look seriously around the room, and the room is dead silent. The men and women are wearing similar suits, all of them black and white. Remember, they are here to keep you safe. But my nerves are still twisting around inside me, creating a knot in the pit of my stomach.
A woman comes out, she is one of them, but she doesn’t wear the obvious uniform. Instead, she wears a simple black pantsuit and white tie. Her black hair is cut precisely at her chin. Her eyes sparkle with a fierce light. I find myself calming down, and easing into my seat.
“Hello, I am a representative of the E-12 initiative, which has now been put into practice. We aim for a fair, just, government, but a safe world, and right now, we don’t have that. There are dangerous groups, who disobey the laws and who disrupt the system. As you all know, we are coming to a time where sometimes being outside is simply dangerous, with these groups, and the issue of climate change. That’s why we have these laws, and the E-12 movement is the initiative where we take action to people who deny the change in the climate, as this is a very, incredibly dangerous mindset. So as we check to make sure you have followed the rules today, be thinking about how we are only doing this for the right of the people.”
I have heard this speech of course, but never with a speaker with such passion in her eyes, it makes me doubt even my own fears about the law, which I shouldn’t have, but have anyway. There’s something different about her- I can’t explain it. But then I look over to the people in suits, robots, some people call them monsters…
Shouts start erupting in the classroom and my ears are almost immune to the sounds. I am trapped at my desk. Screaming, and slowly, my mind closes off. I’m in a room, and it’s raining in that room. I hear screaming, fighting, I cover my ears but it just doesn’t… stop. A woman comes in my room. A big, bristley woman with hateful eyes, and she shoves a bowl of soup in front of me forcefully saying, “Eat it!” I don’t want to, I know it’s bad, but I do, as she watches. Then the world goes dark, and the last thing I see, is her smirking.

  • Writingwithstars (Including my username here because I want to be able to comment on feedback as well)

What they want feedback on:

Anything except grammar/spelling. I wanna know what flaws I have included about the characters and how I wrote it in general. Opinions on the character would be helpful. Don’t be afraid to be critical! I know it’s bad lol. I’m just genuinely curious to what other people think!

I’ll tag @Writers again since I’m now posting submissions I got! Feedback would be appreciated by the people who submit.

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WRITING #2

Trigger Warning: Suicide

Type of writing: Short story

Background: This is supposed to be dark.

Short story:
Lola was definitely dead. She had made sure of that. She was now staring down at what used to be her body, hanging from the ceiling fan in her room. She sighed, thinking back on what had brought her to the conclusion she had to kill herself. It had all started a couple months ago.
Lola Tristan was a bubbly seventeen year old, going into her last year of high school. She was very sweet, always being kind to everyone and willing to help. Unfortunately, her constantly happy attitude wasn’t loved by everyone. There were several people that would take advantage of her kind and willing attitude in various ways. One day, it was taken too far.
Lola’s day started off as normal, she woke up, did her morning routine and drove to school. When she got there, a jock that she was acquainted with named Josh stopped her, asking for ten dollars. “Sure! Here you go.” Lola chirped, pulling a $10 bill out of her wallet and handing it to him. Josh grinned at her. “Thanks, Lola. Good to know you’re here if a guy needs help. I’ll pay you back later.” Lola shook her head. “Oh, no need. I’m just happy to help!” Josh patted her on the shoulder, waving as he walked away. Lola headed to her first class with a smile on her face.
Later, Lola was in her last class of the day when she was called down to the principal’s office. Lola stood up from her desk in confusion. She knew she hadn’t done anything wrong, so why was she being called to the principal’s office? Thoughts swirled around in her head as she walked down the hall. When she got to the office, he was startled to see the principal, the football coach, Josh and his parents, and her parents, the latter which stood up abruptly as Lola entered. “Lola Grace Tristan! Have you been smoking?! This boy says you gave him marijuana!” Lola’s dad shouted, jabbing a finger at Josh, who sneered at her, all traces of his former friendly attitude gone. “You got me in trouble, bitch. I’m just returning the favor.” He mouthed. Lola stared, slack jawed in disbelief. Did her parents seriously believe she was smoking? “I-I have no clue what you’re talking about!” Lola squeaked, her greenish blue eyes wide in shock. “We know Josh wouldn’t willingly do drugs, so you must have coerced him.” Josh’s mom said angrily. Lola had no clue what to say to that, so she stayed silent. She listened to the principal explain that both of them we’re getting suspended for a week, and dismissed them. Lola and her parents drove home in silence, and Lola went to her room to cry once they got home. Her parents confiscated all her electronics and things, so all she could do was be alone with her thoughts. Over the next week, Lola sunk into a stupor, the fact that a person who had seemed so nice would betray her, gnawing at her mind.
Back at school on Monday, she was accosted by the entire football team, pissed off that Josh was suspended, causing him to miss some practices so he couldn’t play in the upcoming game. They took out all their frustrations on Lola, leaving her badly bruised. She lay there in the hallway, crying as the football players walked off. She eventually got up, thankful her shirt covered most of the bruises. As the weeks wore on, things only got worse. Word spread around the school, and people who Lola once considered friends now wouldn’t give her a second glance, all because of one boy’s lie. Lola couldn’t take it anymore. She’d became depressed and withdrawn, dreading school. One day, several months into the bullying and ostracizing, Lola had enough. She waited until the house was empty, going to the garage and grabbing a rope. She then went up to her room, tying one end to the ceiling fan and the other into a noose. She then pulled the chair from her desk over, standing on it and placing the noose around her neck. She then kicked the chair to the side, the rope cutting off her air. She swayed in the air, the life leaving her body. Soon, she was staring down at her body, not caring. She was on a mission now. She left her room, finding the school directory and locating Josh’s house. She headed there, the people walking the streets paying her no mind, as they couldn’t see her. She entered his house easily, watching him texting his friends. She made her presence known by knocking over his lamp. “H-hello?” He asked. She couldn’t help but giggle, which he apparently heard, because he freaked out. She rushed at him, possessing his body. She then forced him to walk over to the window, opening it. He was struggling against her control, but she wasn’t letting go. She was going to make him pay. She made him climb out the window, doing a swan dive onto the pavement below. His head slammed into the pavement with a sickening crack, snapping his neck. Satisfied, Lola left his body, going on to pay visits to those that had caused her to end it all.

The feedback they are looking for quoted from their exact response:

Just let me know what you think! I’m proud of it and want to share.

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Hey @WritingWithStars I’ve skimmed through some of your writing to make sure you at least get some feedback.

As soon as I started to read I quickly noticed your overuse of words.

Typically it’s better to reword sentences or use other words to describe the thing you’re still referring to in this case.

Also there is a lot of use of capital letters so it looks pretty off, at least in MLA/novel format.
I’m tired right now so if I come back to this I’ll try and see what other tips I can give you.

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Also I think your idea of a story seems pretty interesting. Are you making this a novel?

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Yeah was going to but it just had so many flaws that I couldn’t continue the story.

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You could always restart it.

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@phlegmatic are you still doing this?

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Yes I am. Did you send in a piece or something? I checked a few days ago and had no submissions so I can’t do anything with this thread until I get some.

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I did

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WRITING #3

(In the summary below, all information was provided by the submission I received.

Piece of Writing

Type of writing: Scene from a novel

Background: The piece of writing I am showing you is the proluge (intrudction) and first chapter of my story, it’s a story of going to a world of magic and etcetera. In this chapter her mother wakes her up.

WRITING:

Prologue

When you hear the word magic, what do you think?

Something false? Just a fantasy tale? or something you wished you had?

In Neptupia, magic has a whole different meaning. Magic is something you’re born with, something you can’t escape from, your chakra, your life force, your energy. Magic is beyond beautiful.

Magic is a very important aspect in Neptupia.

Humans

Hmm… The humans, the earthlings, the Klocris, the rude, the rotten, the evil and a thousand other nicknames given to them by the Neptupians

Oh! Silly me, how could I have forgotten one of the most common nicknames the Neptupians have given the Earthlings?

The once born with a curse

Now, there is a reason for this nickname given to humanity like there is a reason for the other nicknames, but that is a topic for another day. We all know that Magic is an important aspect in Neptupia, right? And in some rare cases some true-born Neptupians are born without the beauty of magic, but again that is very rare as stated before.

Those rare citizens of Neptupia that are born without the beauty of magic, those people born with the very curse that would make them different from other Neptupians are given a gift to make up for it.

The gift of craft and wisdom.

Also, the gift of being able to learn magic even if you were not born with it-though they cannot use it as well as those born with the beauty magic.

You can recognize them by the rose painting on their foreheads. Any time Humans (the cursed ones) enter the World of Neptupia, a white rose painting appear on their foreheads. The reason why it’s a white rose is because in Neptupia white signifies loss and curses.

You might be asking then how would a Neptupian figure out who is a Nepupian and who is a human? If both have the same rose painting on their forehead.

The answer is quite simple! A Neptupia citizen who has the unlucky curse to be born without magic rose painting on their forehead won’t glow, unlike a human’s rose which glows.

Now, that we have covered that. Let’s move on to the next topic:

Heroes

Ah, yes, the brave, the mighty, the heroic and honorable heroes of Neptupia. The people who defended the kingdom in their darkness days.

Normally some are earth humans who discovered a library that led them to this world and others are citizens from Neptupia.

The most commonly known heroes for their bravery are:

Lady Hippolyta, Thee Nerca, Lord Hazeo, Lord Haru and Lady Quincell.

These heroes defended the city with all they had, their deeds where the bravest, the most heroic and the greatest.

Now, it would be time for a new generation of heroes to rise. To save Neptupia from the darkness that has risen.

Klocris.

Klorics is a very great insults to people to Earthlings (people who are from earth) fittingly, the word comes from the elves language (gamar) as one of their very loved heroes hated people born on the Earth for a reason that is unknown. Elves are commonly known for their gorgeous looks, their pointy leaf-shaped ears, for being cunny and not being the nicest type of creatures. They usually like to keep to themselves, and normally don’t respect people who aren’t elves like them. The only person they respect that isn’t an Elf like them are the royals of Neptupia who are traced back to the 4 great creators (more info about them in the end) And the gods of Neptupia. They usually go in groups and live to about ten billion years and have an ability called cloradux (being able to release a scent that would be able to attract anyone they sense can be a danger to them- they normally use this ability to lure people to them so they can kill them and stop them from attacking)

Klorics can also mean just a word referred only to Earthlings.

Two young boys and a beautiful woman were sitting on a sofa by the fire.

“Queen Verica, I have no means to be rude but why do we need earthling girls to helps us?” One of the boys asked out of curiosity.

“Well, Xalva I don’t know what to tell you. But you would soon see” The Queen responded to her son while warming her hands by the fire. Her beautiful dark skin shined brightly against the fire. Xalva, the queen’s son frowned at the answer the Queen gave.

“Queen Verica that isn’t a valid explanation, I need a real one” Xalva pleaded.

“Well, my child that is a valid explanation for I and it should be for you too. When have I ever been wrong?” She asked raising her eyebrows

“Well, 59 years ago…” The second boy started.

“You and I both know that I learnt from my mistakes” The two boys looked at each other and wondered what to say. Before the finally sighed. It was not use trying to get anything out from the queen. Just as she was gentle and calm, the queen was also fierce and headstrong.

"Yes, Marahn " The Queen smiled brightly at her sons and was about to continue focusing her attention directly on the fire, When Xalva announced.

“I still don’t know why we need those earthly girls you’ve picked. I’ve heard earth girls are weak, useless and only stain to their family name” The Queen frowned.

“The girls that I have chosen aren’t weak, useless or a stain in their family names! And humans aren’t weak, they just have a different structure than us Neptupians. So, whoever told you that, is a Mendacious liar” The Queen declared, but in her mind, she was having doubts.

'What if it is true? ’

‘Then Neptupia would be doomed’ A voice in the Queen’s head said.

‘The oracle said…’ The queen calmed down remembering the Prophecy and shooed the doubts in her head.

Xalva huffed, and scowled " But even if they are not what I believe them to be, they still will and always be just klocris " He spat the world Klocris out, like it was the worst insult he could give.

The queen rolled her eyes and with an angelic voice said “You, will see soon,”

Chapter 1

“Avery! Avery! Avery wake up!” My mom shouted causing me to groan.

“Isn’t it Saturday, Mom?” I told her as I rubbed my left eye and sat up.

“Well, of course it is Saturday.” My mother said with an eyeroll. “But- “she smiled. “Today is the day of the Naximate Selection!” My Mother screamed happily causing me to fell down from my bed in surprise. It couldn’t be, how could I have forgotten?
If you’re wondering, the “Naximate selection” Is made for humans to be able to have a chance to go to Neptupia but, it only usually happens every 40 years and you have to sign up, you have to apply for the event and you would also have to be the age of 12 to be able to join the “Naximate Selection.” The reason for this is assumed to be because of their school system. In Neptupia, they have klangs- which is equivalent to a mix of kindergarten and primary school on earth. The ages for Klangs schoolers are 2-7. Now, you might be wondering why if there is klangs the selection is only applicable for children of ages 12? Well, the thing is that Neptupians hate humans, the reason why if they distaste humans so much, why do they organize the Naximate selections and the reason they have a distaste towards us wasn’t given an explanation to, but they do and they wouldn’t let a “human” child of ages 2-7 feet touch the “pure” land of Neptupia.
Anyway, it has always been my desire to go to Neptupia and study. Since I was a little girl and heard about the land of ‘magic’. I sighed mentally at the word magic. I’ve always wanted to learn the spells they would teach in Neptupia.

I really hope I do win and get to enter Neptupia. The very thought of being chosen made me swoon.

“Avery, Avery!” My mom said exasperated, as she snapped her fingers in my face.

“Huh?’’ I questioned, blinking my eyes.

“oh, Dios mío!” She proclaimed loudly as she slapped her forehead. Making me confused, did I do something wrong? Looking at my surprised expression, she said, “You always like exploring in that mind of yours and leaving me behind. I’ve called your name about 20 times now to tell you to take a bath and dress up quickly, then come downstairs to eat you breakfast so we can get going before we are late.” She said with an eye roll causing me to be embarrassed.

“I apologize”

“Sigh, I am just being dramatic Avery, you do not need to apologize. But do go take a bath and come down, your dad and I would be waiting for you so that we can go to the Naximate Selection together.” I smiled and nodded my head.

The feedback they are looking for quoted from their exact response:

The flaws I have included about the characters and how I wrote it in general. Opinions on both characters would be quite helpful. And I I know it’s really bad- Anyhow, I want to know what you guys think.

Please, @Writers, if you could have a look over this chapter written and hand out some thoughts, that would be helpful, especially to the writer. :))

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@Writers I would really appreciate the feedback please.

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Once, I finish what I’m doing I will respond.

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:sparkles:

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