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I loved you mad, but it doesn’t matter anymore, — stranger by Olivia Rodrigo
This game was stupid. Who the hell even asked this question anyway? Okay, maybe if she were an outsider in this situation, Annie would have enjoyed this kind of drama. Perhaps even encouraged it. Initiated this, on a good day. But as Ricky singled her out in front of everyone, relaying all his thoughts and feelings, Annie wished for this whole thing to end. She’d had enough of games. Thankfully, Ricky left before Annie had the chance to respond to him. Whatever conversation was going to come from what he had said was not something she wanted to do in front of the entire senior class. She’d had plenty of personal things in her life made public, and to pull her relationships into it was not what she wanted.
Unfortunately for Annie, the way Ricky had exited pulled everyone’s eyes back onto her, watching expectantly for whatever reaction she was going to give. But, how was Annie supposed to present a suitable reaction when she had no idea what to make of what Ricky had just said? This was all too serious for her, and the silence that had followed Ricky’s departure was making her uncomfortable. But evidently, it was on Annie to fill this quiet. “Ha ha. He must be fun at parties, am I right?” She blurted out, with a forced laugh, looking around at the blank faces that weren’t going to move the game along so easily. “Alright, see you later guys,” Annie continued, forcing herself up and away, ignoring the echo of ‘oooooh’ as she walked to the fire pit. Despite everything, it still felt cruel to leave Ricky hanging.
True to his word, Ricky was sat beside the roaring fire, the flames casting a soft glow over him. Annie had arrived before she’d really thought about what she was walking into, so when Ricky noticed her almost immediately, his eyes on her filled her with the delayed nerves. “Hey,” She started, walking around the fire to be on his side. She sat beside him, joining him in his silence for a few moments. But it was Ricky that had expressed his feelings before, it was on Annie to begin whatever this conversation was going to be.
Facing him right now was a first in a while. Even on the plane, Annie had primarily made eye contact with the chair in front of him. It was weird to look at Ricky’s face, and detach it from the feelings she had developed for him in during his time of deceit- feelings that had developed so reluctantly, but now so stubbornly refused to leave. Especially now, when he was here giving her reason to believe some parts had been genuine, it was difficult to untangle the mess of emotions that still lingered.
But trying to see the positives with Ricky would, at least for now, always be overshadowed by the weight of broken trust. As much as he’d tried, there wasn’t anything Ricky could say to fix that. Though it did succeed in one thing, it made her less angry, and so now she could give him something more cold indifference she had been displaying prior.
“Maybe you did mean what you just said,” Annie started, unsure of where she was going with this, her voice breaking through the silence. “And, maybe… some things with us were real,” She continued, coming to accept that thought as she voiced it. “At least, I know they always were to me,” She shared in a quieter voice, leaning back for a moment in discomfort at even the minimal admission. “But for you, I just have a bunch of 'maybe’s and questions about everything,” Annie told him, shifting the tone to adopt something slightly more assertive. “And I can’t trust any answer right now. It’s… I don’t know.”
Annie currently wished she had never strayed away from being the girl who primarily hooked up with people. Feelings were too hard and complicated, and trying to talk and come to conclusions about them were not her strong suit. She wished it wasn’t on her to make a decision, but she wished even more that Ricky hadn’t put her in a position to make a decision.
“If it’s true,” And here it was, this decision making. “That you did love me too,” Everything was so hard to say, she hated this. But at least if Annie said it now, maybe she wouldn’t have to again. “The only thing I can say to you now is that… you need to let this go,” She told Ricky, for the first time not trying to hide the sadness she felt to tell him that. “I can’t move forward and forget everything. It’s too much,” Annie confessed, hating the sound of her honest thoughts being expressed out loud to another person. Ricky, of all people.
She didn’t allow those words to hang in the air for too long before Annie sat up, changing her demeanour. “And it wouldn’t have worked out anyway,” She declared, dropping some of the severity in her tone. “We’re likely both leaving this place soon and… I mean, look at us, we hated each other not 6, 7 months ago. This is probably how it was meant to be,” Annie shrugged, with false-confidence instilled in her voice to sound almost convincing. Then she stood up, taking a step back. “And, you know, who needs love anyway? It’s overrated,” She added, referring back to something Ricky himself had told her at the beginning of the year. Something they both should have listened to.
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@benitz786 Ricky