Trigger Warning: Self Harm, Abortion
December, 1999
The exhaustion hit her like a freight train.
One moment, she was staring at the tattered, tear-streaked pages of her journal, her body curled up in the stiff motel bed, fingers clutching the edges of the sheets like they were the only thing keeping her grounded.
And the next—she was slipping into darkness.
But the darkness didn’t last.
It never did.
Because the moment she drifted off, she was back.
Back to that night. Back to a few hours ago.
Back to him.
“Of course, Father.”
The words rang in her ears, over and over, like a goddamn broken record, each repetition louder, harsher, until it didn’t even sound like Leo’s voice anymore—just a collection of syllables that felt like a knife digging into her ribs. And god damn… did it hurt more and more every fcking time.
Addie watched the memory play out from the outside, an unwilling observer to her own past. She saw herself sitting in the bathroom of Leo’s penthouse, frozen, her breath coming in short, choked gasps.
She could see the moment her heart cracked. The precise second when the foundation of everything she had built with him crumbled beneath her feet.
Leo was standing in the living room, his posture stiff, his expression unreadable, his father’s presence looming over him like a shadow. In the dream she could see it - once she left her own body in the bathroom. She could see her fian… her ex fiancé standing there grabbing a file as his father talked to him. Her mind was filling in the blanks even when all she wanted was darkness… a moment of peace.
“Get that fucking girl pregnant so she realizes where her place is.”
It was Richard’s voice now, curling around her like a noose.
Leo didn’t argue.
Leo didn’t fight.
He just stood there, looking through the file as if this was a conversation he often listened to. Often… agreed to.
And Addie—she felt like she was suffocating.
Her place.
The words clung to her skin like a brand.
She turned and ran.
The dream shifted.
Now, she was outside Justin’s apartment, pounding on the door like her life depended on it.
The door swung open, and Justin stood there, blinking blearily at her. His hair was messy, his shirt half-buttoned—he had clearly been asleep.
“Jesus, Addie, what—”
And then he saw her face.
The panic.
The tears.
The absolute devastation.
His expression darkened immediately, his hand reaching out. “Addie, what happened? Are you okay? Did someone hurt you?”
She shook her head violently, words clogging her throat, coming out in short, broken fragments.
“I…I…I ne…need you…to… to drive.”
“Drive where?” His eyes flickered with concern, scanning her face.
She didn’t answer.
Instead, she pushed past him, rushing inside. Her movements were erratic, frantic—she was pulling drawers open, grabbing her passport, then his, stuffing them into a small bag.
Justin’s eyebrows shot up. “Addie, what the hell are you doing?”
She wasn’t listening. How could she? Everything was… buzzing in her ears. So fcking loud that she couldn’t hear anything anymore.
Her hands were shaking as she zipped the bag shut, her breathing ragged.
“We…we have to go.”
Justin stepped in front of her, his jaw tightening. “Not until you tell me what’s going on.”
Her chest rose and fell rapidly. “It… it… it doesn’t matter.”
“Like hell it doesn’t,” He grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to meet his gaze. “Addie, talk to me. Where the fuck do you want to go? Are you in trouble?”
Her stomach twisted violently.
“I just—I just need to leave, Justin. I… I… I need to—”
His grip tightened slightly. “Did something happen with Leo?”
No. No, no, no.
The second she heard his name, she broke.
Her knees buckled, and she collapsed right there in the middle of his apartment.
Justin was down in an instant, pulling her into his arms as the violent sobs tore through her.
“Hey, hey, I got you. I got you, okay?” His voice was softer now, soothing.
But she couldn’t stop.
She felt hollow.
Shattered.
Numb.
Broken.
She pressed a hand against her stomach, her breaths coming in short, sharp gasps.
Justin glanced down, following her movement. His brow furrowed… but he didn’t ask any questions.
“Please,” she whispered, voice hoarse. “Just drive.”
There was a long pause.
Then, finally—he exhaled, rubbing a hand over his face.
“Okay.”
The dream twisted again.
Now, she was in the car.
The map sat open in her lap, the paper crinkled at the edges from how tightly she was holding it.
Justin’s hands were white-knuckled on the steering wheel.
“Addie, where are we going?”
She didn’t answer.
“Addie, what happened? You can’t just shut down like this. You have to talk to me.”
Nothing.
“Addie—”
She just kept crying.
Justin clenched his jaw, glancing at the map.
“Are we going to Mexico?”
She swallowed hard.
“Please, Justin.”
His shoulders sagged.
“Fuck.”
An hour passed. Then two. Then three.
At hour four, Justin’s phone rang.
Leo.
Addie saw the name flash on the screen.
Without hesitating, she reached over, took the phone, and blocked the number.
“Jesus, Addie!” Justin snapped.
She didn’t respond.
She just stared out the window, the tears never stopping.
Addie woke to the sound of silence.
Her body was heavy. Too heavy.
The motel room was small, cramped—just two twin beds and a dusty nightstand between them.
Justin was passed out on the other bed, his body sprawled awkwardly, exhaustion written in every line of his face. She couldn’t blame him… he had been driving over 12 hours…
Her limbs felt stiff as she forced herself up.
The air was thick, suffocating.
She moved to the mirror, her fingers trembling as she lifted her shirt.
Her stomach was still flat.
Still the same.
But she wasn’t.
The moment her eyes landed on her reflection, her breath hitched.
Richard’s voice echoed in her mind, the words curling around her throat like a noose.
“Get that fucking girl pregnant so she realizes where her place is.”
A silent sob ripped through her as she pressed a hand against her stomach, her knees nearly giving out.
She had to do this.
She had to.
She grabbed the motel notepad and scribbled a quick note.
𝐼’𝓁𝓁 𝒷𝑒 𝒷𝒶𝒸𝓀 𝓈𝑜𝑜𝓃. 𝒯𝒽𝑒𝓃 𝓌𝑒 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝑔𝑜 𝒽𝑜𝓂𝑒.
-𝒜
Then, without a second thought, she walked out.
The front desk was empty except for a young girl who looked barely older than Addie.
Addie’s voice shook as she spoke.
“Por favor… necesito ayuda.” Please… I need help.
The girl looked confused. “¿Con qué?” With what?
Addie pressed a hand against her stomach as tears started falling down her eyes.
“Yo…yo…no…yo no…” I…I…don’t…I don’t… Addie couldn’t get the words out… but it seemed that she didn’t have to.
The girl’s expression softened instantly.
“Un momento.”
A few minutes later, an older woman appeared from the back of the motel.
“Hay una mujer. Un poco lejos. Ella ya ayudó a otras chicas antes… pero no es… seguro.” There’s a woman. A little far away. She’s helped other girls before… but it’s not… safe.
Addie didn’t hesitate.
“No me importa.” I don’t mind.
The woman studied her for a long moment, her gaze softening even more, and then she sighed hesitantly.
And then—she gave Addie the address.
And Addie went.
It was a 25 minute walk…
It was small. Dark. Hidden.
She knocked.
The door creaked open, and the woman on the other side studied her carefully.
Addie didn’t say a word.
She just broke.
Collapsed.
The woman caught her before she hit the ground.
“Pasa, niña.” Come in, girl.
The air was thick. Heavy.
She lay on the bed, her pants discarded, her legs trembling as she opened them.
She kept her eyes closed.
The metal scraped softly against the table.
The woman muttered something, but Addie wasn’t listening.
She couldn’t listen.
She just wanted it to be over. She wanted all of this to be over.
She felt the shift of movement.
Then—pain.
Sharp. Deep. Unforgiving.
A strangled sound escaped her lips.
But she didn’t fight it.
She let the darkness take her.