Discaimer: This topic discusses dissociation. If this is triggering for you, do not read it.
This is the first of a number of topics I plan to make, spanning how certain things actually feel.
Many of us know what dissociation and the like is, but not many of us have had the misfortune to experience it on a severe basis. Well, here I am, recently dissociated (which makes this easier to write) and ready to explain.
We all know dissociation is feeling disconnected, or like the world isn’t actually real. But what are the actual sensations that someone experiences in this state?
This is my personal experience.
It’s like being trapped in your brain, with no way out.
Imagine this. You’re sitting at a desk, and suddenly it’s like a wave of numbness flows over you. You know what this is. You know what is happening. But you can’t stop it. Your brain is cut off from your body. You feel a bit like you’re floating.
Now for the more serious part of it.
When I try to stand, or walk, depending on the intensity of the dissociation… I can’t. My legs no longer respond to my brain, and even in milder cases, it’s difficult. I lose my motor control. I can’t write. I can’t hold things. I can barely type. I can’t speak either. I usually go non verbal before, during or after a dissociation episode. Everything feels sluggish, as if I have to push each limb with my mind to get it to move. My mind and body are separated, and I don’t know how to get them back together.
All tics and stims are now impossible. I am driving a car, not a body. And more to the point, I don’t know how to drive it anymore.
I am now trapped in my mind. A thought among thoughts. It is at this point another alter (I am a part of a system so this is not a universal experience) will begin battling for control. When this happens, it feels like your body is literally being wrestled out of your control. You jerk around. You are unco-ordinated and you are uncomfortable. Sometimes, I’m terrified, because I don’t know what to do. How to stop it. H-ll, if someone were to look at me right now, they would think I was having a seizure.
All emotions disappear.
When you are dissociated, one of the main things you’ll feel is nothing.
People say that it’s terrifying, but it’s only scary when it’s over.
When I am dissociated, you could push me off a cliff and I wouldn’t scream. All you are able to do is watch the goings on of the world with a detached curiosity - at best. It’s why dissociation is a dangerous coping mechanism. When you are apathetic to everything, you are also vulnerable. Your reactions are slow or nonexistent, and it’s good to have someone around you to make sure nothing happens. It’s similar principles to when you’re drunk, you know?
It’s exhausting
The efforts of trying to move are physically and emotionally taxing, and many people, including me, are affected for the remainder of the day after an episode.
Sometimes dissociation comes with amnesia
This is probably the scariest part of dissociation. Coming pack to yourself afterwards, with no recollection of what happened or how you got to be here. Sometimes, in my experience, I don’t notice the lost time. That’s usually because an alter switches in, and the entirety of my day becomes fuzzy and difficult to remember.
You will often here me say I have a sh!t memory. This is why. I have multiple dissociation episodes a day, and I remember very little from them.It’s also why it’s rare someone is able to detail what it actually feels like. We don’t remember. I don’t remember starting this topic for gods’ sake 
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With amnesia, it’s not like you suddenly black out. You’re usually doing something, you feel the numbness coming. You know that you’re starting to dissociate. You try to continue doing your thing and you realise you’re in a different room now, or you’re doing something completely different. Now you’re confused. You’re scared. The dissociation fades and you are left floundering in the shallows.
It’s especially scary if, like me, you sometimes (tw) self harm during a blackout period. It’s terrifying. All you know is you zoned out for a moment and now you’re in pain and you don’t know why. You wonder what you’re capable of. You’re afraid that one day you’ll dissociate and never come back. You feel out of control and you’re left with this fear for the rest of your life. This is why dissociation is not something you EVER want to talk about lightly or make fun of. It’s serious.
The start of a dissociation episode feels a bit like your soul is sinking.
Automatically, you relax. Your breath comes slower and you feel like you’re about to fall asleep. At times, you will forget to breath, eat, drink or blink. Eating or drinking usually becomes impossible until the episode is over.
Every movement and bodily function, from breathing, to blinking, to talking, to holding a pencil - all of it becomes forced. You feel like you’ve been drugged. You just want to lie down, do nothing, just stare and wait for it to end.
Coming out of a dissociative episode often is accompanied by giddiness and hyperactivity
All of that nothingness you felt goes away, and you are now being overwhelmed by emotions and energy. Sometimes, this freaks you out and you automatically dissociate again, otherwise it’s like being on a sugar high. You feel on top of the world and like you can do anything.
This lasts for all of ten minutes, most of the time.
Ok so I hope this was informative lol - lmk what you think and if you have anything to add.
You can also comment on anything in particular you’d like me to make a thread like this on. Whether or not I do it is dependent on whether I have experienced it before and whether or not it is a triggering subject for me
