NOTE: Some may not feel suitable or ready for this discussion. If you are a teen and don’t think you are ready to discuss or read about this, do not. Read at your own risk. It also might be triggering for anyone who has been sexually abused or assaulted. Proceed with your own discretion. Though it’s suggested to read to further educate yourself on what’s not acceptable behavior when it comes to sexual activity. If you are under the age of consent by your law, do not participate in this act. If you are not mentally ready, do not participate in these kinds of acts. Unwanted pregnancies can occur, std’s, drama, etc. DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN WHAT IS ABOUT TO BE DISCUSSED IF YOU ARE NOT LEGALLY ABLE OR MENTALLY READY.
Rant
Consent is permission for something to happen or agreement to do something. (google dictionary)
Now I know so many people were taught that consent is when you don’t hear the word “no”. That until a woman or man says no, it’s a yes. Now this idea may seem harmless at the thought, but it’s damaging and can lead to coerced rape or rape in general.
Now what I want to cover right now is why it’s harmful.
This belief that the absence of “no” automatically means a “yes” can/will and does confuse a victim of rape or any form of sexual assault. It creates this false barrier between either going to the police, speaking up to their family that because they did not say no, they agreed to the act.
Consent should be a verbal, truly enthusiastic yes.
Here are points I want to discuss
YES CAN MEAN NO
This goes along with the belief that because the perpetrator persuaded and deceived them into agreeing with sexual intercourse, that it is not rape. IT’S RAPE. COERCED SEX IS A FORM OF RAPE AND IS A 100% VALID REASON TO SAY YOU’VE BEEN A VICTIM.
What lack of consent is
Lack of consent is the inability to agree to an act that is forced upon you. So, a person who is mentally unable to wrap their head around this mature act, or think for themselves, intoxicated, or are deceived and coerced into this act DID NOT AND CANNOT CONSENT.
Someone who raped someone IS A RAPIST
Now people tend to argue that because a man technically raped a girl (typically) but didn’t know it would be considered that after the event was legally discussed or confronted about it doesn’t make them a rapist. THIS IS WRONG. THEY ARE A RAPIST. It’s like saying someone who murdered someone isn’t a murderer. That is just incorrect in itself.
THERE IS IN FACT A FINE LINE
There is no “well she didn’t sound serious when she said no” “I thought she was just teasing” “I mean yeah I sort of asked her a lot to get it but she agreed” IS NOT MAKING THE CASE UNCLEAR OR GREY. SHE SAID NO. Either that or she MADE IT CLEAR THROUGH BODY LANGUAGE SHE DOESN’T WANT IT. Either she ecstatically agreed or she did not consent.
IF YOU CANNOT FATHOM WHEN A BODY IS SAYING NO NONVERBALLY, YOU ARE NOT MATURE ENOUGH OR IN A MENTAL PLACE TO EVER HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH ANYONE. That goes for both men and women. FOR ANYONE. Gay, straight, non-binary, cis, popular, famous.
NO ONE OWES YOU SEX/YOU DONT OWE THEM SEX
No one owes you sex. You do not OWN any human being. YOU DO NOT GET TO CONTROL THEM. You cannot use sex as a way to get promoted or as a way to keep someone from doing something. Because a person wears revealing clothes, THEY DO NOT OWE YOU SEX. THEY DO NOT OWE YOU ANYTHING IN A SEXUAL MANNER. Crop tops, dresses, shorts, ANY CLOTHING ITEM does NOT EQUAL CONSENT.
For someone in a relationship, YOU DON’T OWE YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER SEX. YOU CAN SAY NO. Just because they are your spouse does not mean they are granted unwanted touching, any unwanted contact. They must respect your no’s they MUST set a system up that provides clear INDICATIONS OF CONSENT, whether that is a safe word, or making them straight up say no, no matter how weird it is in the moment.
CONSENT CAN BE PROVOKED
If someone says yes at firsts and clearly (looking at their body language, saying so, fighting back, flinching,) shows no interest and indicates they don’t want to do it anymore or literally says they don’t want to anymore. GET OFF THEM. IF YOU PROCEED, IT WILL NOW BE CONSIDERED RAPE. You will turn into a rapist.
I think it’s clear that I don’t believe in the stupid “it’s a yes until they say no” way of teaching consent. It sets vulnerable people up for so much trauma and abuse.
If there is anything I didn’t touch on, feel free to drop it down below, or any additions in general about this subject. Maybe ways to teach consent, how better it should be implemented in sex ed classes, etc.
