So, one time out of all of the other times when there should be reactions? Every line should acknowledge what the person said before them
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I mean, I could spend some time re-writing the scene to show you what it would look like if they were all reacting to each other, if you want. But I’m not gonna do it if you can’t take criticism and we just repeat the same mistakes as before
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And remember that I was a writer with a story that was 3rd on Fantasy for weeks. I got over 260,000 reads. I know what I’m talking about.
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That would be nice, and I really AM trying to take it better. It’s just hard because I’m used to ALWAYS having to defend myself and my stuff, because people ALWAYS put me down. And even bring my stories into it.
Anna walks into school
Joy scoffs
Joy: Ugh. If it isn’t Jamie.
Joy laughs
Jamie ducks her head down and attempts to leave
Joy: What’s up Jamie? Scared? You’re pathetic.
Jamie: Why would I be scared of you?
Jamie: I just want you to leave me the hell alone.
Jamie: What have I ever done to you?
Joy laughs
Joy: What have you done?
Joy: Nothing.
Joy: I just like watching pathetic little insects squirm.
Anna runs over
Anna: What the hell is your problem, Joy?
Anna: You must have a pretty sh*t life if you need to spend it being a bully.
Joy ignores Anna
Joy: Can’t fight your battles on your own, huh, Jamie?
Joy: Need your little white knight to come and save you?
Joy: Pathetic.
Anna grabs Joy’s arms and pins her against a locker
Anna: Don’t you EVER learn?
Joy: Learn?
Joy laughs
Joy: As if you could teach me anything.
Anna: Do you really need me to show you what happens when you mess with Anna Wright’s family?
Penny: [I need to know what Penny is doing to continue. What is her motivation? Why has she entered the scene? What does she want from talking to them?]
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She helps Bully Jamie because she doesn’t like Anna, they have the same motives, they bully Jamie to get Anna mad. Anna and Penny were friends, but Anna started hanging out with Penny less after making new friends, and Penny started to hate her after that, and will mess with anyone Anna is close to.
If you look, you can see how the dialogue flows. How it’s linked. How they’re reacting to what each other said:
^ They both use the word “scared”, showing that Jamie listened to what Joy said.
Again, Joy repeats what Jamie said, showing that she listened.
Even though joy is ignoring Anna, she has reacted to the fact that Anna came to defend Jamie and she’s talking about it.
Again, Joy is repeating what Anna said to show she heard it.
Don’t overuse the repetition thing, but you can see that it shows that they are hearing each other and the words they use are influenced by what someone else just said or did
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Oooooh!
Joy swings at Jamie, but Anna blocks it
Anna: Touch a single hair on her head, and I will END you, Joy!
That’s much better. That’s what you’d call action-reaction
Action = the punch
Reaction = the block.
Every single bit of dialogue or every single thing your character does should react to one thing and then act.
So, the punch is a reaction to how pathetic Joy thinks Jamie is. It’s also an action that Anna reacts to by blocking it
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Characters never just act. They assess what has happened before them and then make a choice based on that
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Anna walks into school
Joy scoffs
Joy: Ugh. If it isn’t Jamie.
Joy laughs
Jamie ducks her head down and attempts to leave
Joy: What’s up Jamie? Scared? You’re pathetic.
Jamie: Why would I be scared of you?
Jamie: I just want you to leave me the hell alone.
Jamie: What have I ever done to you?
Joy laughs
Joy: What have you done?
Joy: Nothing.
Joy: I just like watching pathetic little insects squirm.
Anna runs over
Anna: What the hell is your problem, Joy?
Anna: You must have a pretty sh*t life if you need to spend it being a bully.
Joy ignores Anna
Joy: Can’t fight your battles on your own, huh, Jamie?
Joy: Need your little white knight to come and save you?
Joy: Pathetic.
Joy swings at Jamie, but Anna blocks it
Anna: Touch a single hair on her head, and I will END you, Joy!
Joy: End me how?
Anna: You don’t wanna know.
Anna: Listen, I don’t care what you do to me…
Anna: But hurt her, and it’s war!
I don’t think you should say “end me how”. Most people know what “end you” means, so it would be a bit strange for her to ask.
I would say something more like “Am I supposed to be scared?” or a very sarcastic “Ohhh I’m shaking!”
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Joy thinks Anna is weak because she was abused
Then that’s even better for her to say “Am I supposed to be scared” or “as if you could hurt me” or something
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Anna walks into school
Joy scoffs
Joy: Ugh. If it isn’t Jamie.
Joy laughs
Jamie ducks her head down and attempts to leave
Joy: What’s up Jamie? Scared? You’re pathetic.
Jamie: Why would I be scared of you?
Jamie: I just want you to leave me the hell alone.
Jamie: What have I ever done to you?
Joy laughs
Joy: What have you done?
Joy: Nothing.
Joy: I just like watching pathetic little insects squirm.
Anna runs over
Anna: What the hell is your problem, Joy?
Anna: You must have a pretty sh*t life if you need to spend it being a bully.
Joy ignores Anna
Joy: Can’t fight your battles on your own, huh, Jamie?
Joy: Need your little white knight to come and save you?
Joy: Pathetic.
Joy swings at Jamie, but Anna blocks it
Anna: Touch a single hair on her head, and I will END you, Joy!
Joy: Joy: And what could you do?!
Joy lunges at Jamie, and Anna blocks her and throws her into the lockers
Anna: You don’t wanna know.
Anna: Listen, I don’t care what you do to me…
Anna: But hurt her, and it’s war!
Anna: So, stay away from my family if you know what’s good for you!
How’s this one @ShanniiWrites?
Much, much better. Now they sound like real people
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I hope you understand action-reaction a little bit better now
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Anna walks into school
Joy scoffs
Joy: Ugh. If it isn’t Jamie.
Joy laughs
Jamie ducks her head down and attempts to leave
Joy: What’s up Jamie? Scared? You’re pathetic.
Jamie: Why would I be scared of you?
Jamie: I just want you to leave me the hell alone.
Jamie: What have I ever done to you?
Joy laughs
Joy: What have you done?
Joy: Nothing.
Joy: I just like watching pathetic little insects squirm.
Anna runs over
Anna: What the hell is your problem, Joy?
Anna: You must have a pretty sh*t life if you need to spend it being a bully.
Joy ignores Anna
Joy: Can’t fight your battles on your own, huh, Jamie?
Joy: Need your little white knight to come and save you?
Joy: Pathetic.
Joy swings at Jamie, but Anna blocks it
Anna: Touch a single hair on her head, and I will END you, Joy!
Joy: Joy: And what could you do?!
Joy lunges at Jamie, and Anna blocks her and throws her into the lockers
Anna: You don’t wanna know.
Anna: Listen, I don’t care what you do to me…
Anna: But hurt her, and it’s war!
Anna: So, stay away from my family if you know what’s good for you!
Joy: You do realize I can report you for slamming me into these lockers, right?
Anna bursts out laughing
Anna: And who’s going to believe I put my hands on anybody?
Anna: The school staff sees me as a perfect angel!
Joy plunges at Anna and Anna blocks it pushing her back
Anna: You’re so stupid! I’ve learned self-defense, Joy!
Okie dokie there seems to be plenty of feedback on this thread @Danielle318 do you still need help?
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Nope! You can close this thread! Thank you!
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