Honest feedback on a (co-written) scene!

Writing Desk Archive
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Hello!

@Allie and I wrote a scene together and we want feedback!

Here is the scene!

Anna walks into school

Joy scoffs

Joy: Ugh. If it isn’t Jamie.

Joy laughs

Joy: You’re pathetic!
Jamie: Joy.

Jamie: Just leave me alone will you?!
Joy: No.

Joy: I like watching you squirm.

Anna runs over

Anna: Leave her alone, Joy!
Joy: Oh here is Anna. Here to save Jamie again are you?

Joy: Pathetic.

Joy: That’s the word I’d use for both of you.

Anna grabs Joy’s arms and pins her against a locker

Anna scoffs

Anna: Don’t you EVER learn?

Joy: What’s there to learn?

Anna: That you DON’T mess with Anna Wright’s family.

Penny: Whatever.

Anna: YOU!

Anna puts Joy down and turns to Penny

Anna: You’re in for worse!

Penny giggles

Penny: Defensive much?

Anna: Have you forgotten that…

Anna: I HAVE BODYGAURDS?!
Jamie: (Oh my god… this is going to far.)

Jamie (fearful): Anna… let’s go…

Anna: No.

Anna: They’re gonna learn…
Anna: NOT TO MESS WITH YOU!

Jamie: I…

Anna: Look, Jamie…
Anna: I know you’re used to nobody being there for you…

Anna: But you have me now!
Jamie falls silent

Jamie: Anna… I…

Anna: You don’t have to say anything.

Anna: Just know that I have your back, alright?

Jamie: Y-You do?

Anna: Of course.

Jamie heaves a heavy sigh

Jamie: You know how I feel about Penny and Joy but…

Anna: But?

Jamie: Let’s step back.

ANNA: WHAT?!

Jamie: I mean…

Jamie: Please don’t physically hurt them.

Jamie: I-I don’t want to get in trouble.

Anna: Alright.

Anna (turning to them): But that doesn’t mean they’re off the hook!

Jamie (whispering to herself): I just don’t want you to get hurt or risk getting in trouble.

Jamie: Let’s go.

Jamie: We can deal with them later, okay?
Anna: Okay.

Anna: Penny, Joy…

Anna: Expect your parents to get a call from my dad later.

Penny: (NO!)
Penny: Anna-
Anna: I’m not cutting you any slack!
Anna: I’m done being nice!
Anna: You bullied Jamie! You bullied the person I’m closest to!
Anna: You’re lucky my dad calling your parents is all that’s happening!

Anna: You much worse could have happen-

Jamie tugs on Anna’s arm and mouths “come on”

Anna sighs and nods

Anna: Goodbye.

Anna: And Joy?

ANNA: Eli will be finding out too

ANNA and JAMIE leave, and run into ELI

Anna: Oh, hey…

Eli: Hi.

Anna: You need to have a serious talk with that sister of yours!
Eli: Oh?

Anna: She’s been bullying Jamie!

Eli: Oh! Wow…
Eli: I’m so sorry, Jamie!
Jamie: It’s…

Jamie: It’s fine, because Anna handled it.

Eli: Oh.

Jamie: Besides, it’s not your fault.

Eli: Alright…

They continue talking as the scene fades out

Thanks for reading.
Danielle :heart:

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Added tags ree

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I think there is too much “!” in this scene. There was a point in it that already made the first few exclamations just enough to display the affect you wanted. I think there is more depth here and I like to see it. With more information I can understand this slightly better. In my final opinion though, this would be better if I knew the situation beforehand built up emotion for this one, if you understand what I mean.

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Yeah, I totally understand what you mean! Thank you for the feedback! We really appreciate it!

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If you’d understand this story better with the backstory, here it is:

Backstory

Growing up, Anna’s life was good, but when she was 8, her real mom passed away, when her dad remarried, his new wife ruthlessly abused her, but Jamie was always there, but one day she left and lost contact out of fear. On Anna’s 18th birthday, Jamie came back and moved back to Anna’s town, and on Jamie’s first week of school, she caught Penny and Joy bullying Jamie.

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What is your story about? As in like the plot?

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Anna escapes abuse, and has to adjust to life afterwards. This is one of the moments that shows she’s getting stronger emotionally and physically

@ThirstyChickenNugget

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What is the climax and the main conflict in the plot? What is the main character’s specific goal in her life that she needs to accomplish?

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Ok, so it starts off pretty nicely. But then it just kinda becomes a bit of a mess where no one’s really saying anything useful.

You see, every piece of dialogue in a scene should further the scene. If you can cut a piece of dialogue out and the scene still makes complete sense, then you’re just wasting the reader’s time. So, a lot of this dialogue should be replaced with stuff that conveys your message more efficiently so that your reader doesn’t lose interest before the end of the scene. If you can cut it, cut it.

There are a few examples of places where I think the dialogue is a bit awkward in the scene.

Why would Penny say “whatever” here? It doesn’t really make sense in this scene as no one is addressing her in particular until that moment. If she wants to make her presence known and show that she thinks Anna is stupid or something, then you need a bit more than just “whatever” otherwise, it’s not adding to the scene in any way.

What does Anna mean by this?

Defensive about what? Anna wasn’t defending anyone or anything from Penny, so this doesn’t make sense as a reaction. If you want to keep that line in, you need to make it clear what she’s defending. Otherwise change it to “woah, aggressive much?” or something.

Where did this come from? Like, no one said anything that would suggest that she was in danger and needed a bodyguard. So this feels very out of place

In my opinion, you really need to work on making the dialogue flow from one line to another. Right now, it feels like no one’s really reacting or paying attention to what the other person is saying. That’s because none of the lines are directly related to the one that came before it. So, it feels like people are just saying things without listening to one another, which makes it feel fake.

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Like if you want a character to call another character defensive, you need them to talk about that line. Like, say something that shows they listened to what the other person just said. If someone called me defensive, I’d probably use the word “defensive” in my reply. Like:

Character 1: Defensive much?
Character 2: Of course I’m defensive. This is my family you’re messing with.

This shows that the characters are actually talking to one another because they’re replying to what each person says and you can see that by the language they use. Right now, it almost feels like they’re in two separate rooms just saying things. They don’t really lead on from one to another.

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Also, use more transition words. When we reply to people, we say things like “of course” or “well”. We also say things like “what are you talking about” or “I don’t think you understand”. These show that your characters are actually talking to one another.

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Also, from an Episode point of view, never never make the mistake of just having the other characters stand still. Even if we aren’t talking, we all react to other what others are saying. Right now, it just seems like no one is listening to anyone, which doesn’t create a very good scene.

It’s fine if one or two characters aren’t listening, but if that’s the case, the other characters need to listen and they should comment on the fact that the characters aren’t listening to each other

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This is just dialogue, you can’t know how it’s coded from just text, but thanks anyway.

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Yes, my first sentence is about the coding. However, you did also include some stage directions here and there throughout that dialogue. So, I expect to either see none of the directions or all of them, not halfway. But it ties into the rest of what I said. It feels like no one is listening or reacting to what people actually said, so I’m worried that the coding might be the same

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Well you don’t know how I code, so it doesn’t make since to bring that up.

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Because you added some directions in? So I’m giving you an extra tip? You told us when she dropped Joy and when Joy scoffs and laughs. You told us when Anna scoffs. But you didn’t do the same with any of the other dialogue. So, I’m saying that either you tell us what their actions are or you don’t. Don’t do it half way and expect us to know there are other actions there.

If you don’t add any, we can understand that people are probably acting and you just haven’t told us. If you add all of them, we can see them and help you. Right now, you’ve added some and not others. So, the logical explanation is that you haven’t thought about what they’re doing in the places where you didn’t add stage directions.

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I have, this scene is for a REVAMP of one of my stories that did really well, but I’ve noticed things that could be fixed or added.

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That has nothing to do with what I’m saying, though. I’m saying the characters need to react to each other more. And not just in the coding, either. The dialogue, too. None of the dialogue is anyone reacting to anyone else. People are just saying things without even acknowledging that anyone else spoke

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I’d say Penny reacted here, wouldn’t you?

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And please remember that there is a rule about taking criticism. This isn’t your thread, so don’t make me close it.

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