Ooooh Dan
Dorian DeLoughrey? Absolutely not—Daniel was still convinced that man’s entire personality was a malfunctioning AI experiment gone horribly wrong. Dan was just waiting for it to malfuction OUT of his life. Malachi Azure? Please. Trusting Kai was like trusting a raccoon not to dig through your trash. Fckin impossible. And Andy McAllister? The man couldn’t even keep track of his own children/bastards, let alone his life.
Dan doesn’t know how to not mention them
I think they all live rent free in his mind.
But above all else, Daniel Parker didn’t trust silence .
So naturally, the deafening quiet currently radiating from his entire house was a bigger red flag than… well… him. Which was saying something. It was saying a lot actually. Not going to lie - Dan was fully scared.
When children are involved, silence is very concerning
7-year-old daughter, VC, his 8-year-old niece, Laurel, and their 2-year-old son, Peter
Oh—and Jezebel was out handling something at the office, so of course he got roped into babysitting with Laurel duty even though he had his own sh!t to do. Not that he was bitter or anything (okay, maybe a little).
Hey, Laurel loves her uncle Dan.Danielle Parker for a reason
“What the hell are you two doing—” Daniel started, before sighing and muttering under his breath, “Fck.” Great. He immediately winced, already picturing Valerie’s don’t curse in front of the kids lecture
Well, Laurel’s done for.
Uh oh…
He’s taught VC and Laurel too well though.
No dan, you just were too good of a teacher
Oh Dan… you’re going to be in so much trouble when your wife gets home
Poor dan
“Our daughter,” she corrected, amusement in her voice.
“Nope. Yours. Fully yours.
“Terrifying. What’s your plan, Sherlock?”
“Plan? My plan is to call the Pentagon and—”
“Dan.”
“Fine. I’ll figure it out.”
Poor Dan
An actual, hand-drawn treasure map taped to her wall like this was a scene from Indiana Jones with an x marking the kitchen.
“Are you serious right now?”
I wonder whose idea it was
He groaned, quickly factoring it out to X = 2, flipping it over to find various answers with locations next to them. Signaling out his answer, he found that the next location: the laundry room. These kids… god damn it who raised them? Yes… him. He knew the answer was him. What did he do.
“You have GOT to be kidding me.”
His irritation grew as he followed the ridiculous scavenger hunt, finding clues in increasingly absurd places.
Poor, poor Dan
“You’re getting warm, but if you need to chill, head to the backyard where waffles thrill.” What the hell did that even mean? By the time he stepped outside, Daniel was ready to throw his phone in the pool.
So much glitter
I mean, it is VC’s job to terrorize her brother
spinning in slow, delighted circles while clutching a waffle like it was a prize. The drone hummed steadily as it carried him in a wide arc around the yard, and Daniel could only stare in disbelief as his 2-year-old waved at him like this was some amusement park ride. “Oh my fcking god,” Daniel muttered under his breath, resisting the urge to facepalm as Peter let out a squeal of laughter, completely oblivious to the chaos around him.
Alexa, call Jez.”*
“Calling Jessica Pierce.”
No! Cancel—Alexa, cancel!” YEARS IT HAD BEEN YEARS and alexa still hadn’t figured out how to differentiate between Jessica and Jezebel. COME ON MAN.
Too late. Before Daniel could shut it down, the ringing stopped, and he heard Jessica’s voice on the other end, loud and full of amusement.
"Whatssssss upppppp, looooserrr?” Real mature Jess, real mature.
Very focused on the waffles
Jess has like a sixth sense for food or something
Finally—after manually dialing it this time and putting peter to walk around on the ground—he got Jezebel. Why was he trying to call her? JUST TO LET HER KNOW, just like he LET HIS WIFE KNOW, that her child was crazy.
“JEZEBEL. WHAT. THE. HELL. DID YOU PUT IN YOUR CHILD?”
“Good morning to you too, Dan.” Jezebel said, clearly unimpressed. “What’s wrong?”
“She strapped Peter to a drone, Jez! A drone! Like a syrup-covered missile!”
Very much like something Dan would’ve done at that age
Oh they know they have the power here
And they will be for days
Poor Dan
He lined them up on the couch, arms crossed as he paced in front of them.
VC and Laurel exchanged a look before letting out a synchronized sigh.
“What else?”
“Hack your security system.”
“And?”
“Have a waffle coup.”
Of course, that was the moment Valerie walked in—because of course it was. She froze in the doorway, her eyes scanning the wreckage. The glitter. The syrup. The catapult. The drone resting suspiciously in the corner.
And losing
Val raised an eyebrow but didn’t push further. Instead, she turned to VC and Laurel.
“Upstairs. Showers. Now.”
The girls trudged away, muttering under their breaths, and Valerie turned back to Daniel with a smirk.
They both know Val is in charge
And she doesn’t have as many problems as this
