[[𓆩⟡𓆪 𓆩⟡𓆪 𓆩⟡]]
Nostalgia. To be nostalgic, according to the dictionary definition of it, was to feel wistful or sentimental longing for a past time or condition. To be nostalgic to Thalia was to be in an eternal state of confusion. Memories, Thalia had come to learn, were confusing. In both a bad and a good way, for example, now as she stood among scattered candles, box of matches furniture her heart could not help to flutter and her lips could not help but to smile but at the same time she felt a certain sadness she was not sure she could fully put into words.
The sadness that nothing ever lasts, or at least Thalia was not ready to fight for this to last because there were too many complications in the system, such as Inessa, and the possibility that in the long run they wouldn’t act work out terrified the fck’ out of her. The fact that they dated for a while and it was relaxing, it was fun, but it wasn’t supposed to be serious. At least, that’s what she had told herself—what they had both agreed to. It was light, carefree, and had all the signs of something temporary. Yet here she was, standing in the middle of what should have been just another casual evening, feeling a weight on her chest she couldn’t shake.
The candles flickered, casting a soft glow on the room, and for a moment, Thalia was pulled back into memories of stolen kisses and whispered promises. Promises they hadn’t even realized they were making at the time. It was strange, how in those small, quiet moments, something deeper had started to take root. Something that made the idea of “just fun” feel like a lie they were both holding onto for dear life.
Thalia traced her finger along the edge of a worn book on the table, her mind swirling between the warmth of those memories and the cold reality of the present. It would have been easier if she could say it had all been a mistake, that she had never really cared. But she did care. Too much, maybe.
And there was Inessa.
The thought of her sent a sharp pang through Thalia’s chest. Inessa had no idea. No idea about the nights Thalia spent with Renlin, no idea about the quiet mornings filled with tangled sheets and half-formed confessions. The guilt gnawed at her, a constant reminder that everything was a ticking time bomb, waiting for just one spark to blow everything apart.
But what scared Thalia the most wasn’t just Inessa finding out—it was the uncertainty of what came next. What would happen if they kept going? If they fought for it? There were no guarantees, no assurances that they could keep pretending things were simple when, in reality, they were anything but. The thought of investing more of herself, only to have it fall apart, made her stomach churn.
“I came once at the end of last year,” he admitted quietly, his voice hesitant. “Alone.”
At those words, Thalia’s attention was directly solely at him, she looked at him–as if she was truly seeing him for the first time and no one tells you this, but when you look at someone for the first time in that way, when you really see them, it’s like the world tilts on its axis.
“Why?” she asked, her voice softer than she intended, the single word hanging in the air like a challenge. And then: he pulled open the drawer of the coffee table and took out a flask and had grinned as he twisted off the cap. The way he looked, holding the flask with that little grin made him look so boyish, and for some reason, it made Thalia smile. What did that smile mean? Why was she smiling? she couldn’t really answer and she couldn’t tell if her smile was truly sincere.
She took the flask, her fingers brushing against his for the briefest second, and the warmth of that touch lingered longer than it should have. She lifted it to her lips, taking a cautious sip of whatever was left inside. The burn of the alcohol was sharp but welcome, grounding her in a way that the moment itself couldn’t. She wanted to take more, to drink until she could no longer feel her fingers, like she always did, but that would have been doing too much and Thalia did not want to do too much, because doing too much would mean making a mistake–Thalia could not afford mistakes right now, though… that was one of the only things she was good at.
Thalia handed the flask back to him, wiping her lips with the back of her hand as she perched herself on the edge of the table. She watched Renlin take another sip, her eyes never leaving his face. There was something mesmerizing about the way he moved, how each gesture was unhurried, as if time slowed down in his presence. And then he looked at her, really looked at her, and the smile that tugged at the corners of his lips was the kind that made her chest tighten.
It wasn’t a full grin, not the kind that split his face open with joy. But it was the way his eyes softened, how they gleamed with that peculiar light as if every small moment was something worth cherishing, something rare. He smiled like he had just discovered happiness for the very first time—and for some reason, that always unsettled her. It made her feel like she had some role in it, like her presence was part of the reason he smiled that way, and the weight of that was more than she was prepared to carry.
She shifted slightly on the table, crossing her legs as she studied him, wondering what exactly was going on behind those eyes of his. “You always smile like that,” she said, half-teasing, but there was an undercurrent of curiosity in her voice. And then she had said: “Do you have any snacks here?”
“What…” She knew, Oh Thalia knew that she shouldn’t entertain this, that she should probably walk away before more mistakes are made, but she couldn’t help herself but to ask, perhaps because deep down–though she would deny it, she wanted a big mistake, perhaps as an act of distraction, to distract her from all the mysteries of the world. … Is your favorite mystery?" Her tone carried the weight of a challenge, a hint of flirtation wrapped in amusement. She stepped closer to him, closing the distance that had felt vast only moments before, and perched herself on the desk—his offer, his invitation still lingering in the air. Now, they stood face to face. And if you’ve ever stood that close to someone, looking them right in the eye, you know that everything feels sharper, more immediate.
A gentleman, that was what she had called him, and he had told her that he was only one for the right person. She hummed, tapping her fingers against the desk, the sound echoing softly in the quiet space. Was she the right person? That question lingered in the air, heavy and uncertain, just like it had when he first came knocking on her door, standing there with that charming smile, the warmth of his presence washing over her like sunlight through a window.
Why was he so insistent that she was the right person? What exactly about her felt right to him? Thalia’s thoughts spiraled in a whirlpool of confusion and curiosity. She had spent countless nights replaying their conversations, searching for clues in the things he said, the way he looked at her. There had to be something beyond the surface, something deeper that drew him to her like a moth to a flame.
“Well, I hope you find that right person,” She finally said, avoiding what he truly meant. “Any girl would be lucky to have you”
Thalia’s heart raced at the intensity of Renlin’s gaze, a mixture of vulnerability and mischief that sent electric shivers down her spine. He was so close, and for a moment, the chaos of their surroundings faded into the background. The soft hum of the overhead lamp filled the silence, wrapping around them like a cocoon, as if the universe had conspired to draw them into this singular moment.
“I’m perfect right now, in the moment,” he murmured, his voice low and laden with meaning. It felt like an invitation, a challenge, and Thalia could sense the air thickening between them. She held his gaze, searching for the hidden layers behind his words, but all she found was an honest yearning that made her breath hitch.
He leaned in slightly, and she felt the magnetic pull between them grow stronger. Her mind raced, oscillating between caution and desire. Did she want this? Did she want him? A part of her longed to close the distance, to surrender to that unspoken tension that had lingered for far too long. But the fear of what came next weighed heavily on her heart, threatening to shatter the fragile bubble they had created.
Thus she took a step sideways, putting in some sort of distant between them, and looked down at him, but as she looked down the only thing she could see was his cough cough which brought her memories of last night, and her face slightly reddened causing her to look up at him instead, flushed and unsure.
Truthfully, though she had taken a step to the side, that was because she knew he wasn’t actually going to kiss her,that he was figuring something out. If he had actually tried to kiss her, Thalia was not sure how she would have truly reacted.
Renlin’s smile softened, revealing a side of him that was both charming and disarming. “You know,” he said quietly, almost like a secret meant only for her ears, “I could get used to moments like this.”
Her chest tightened at his words. There was something profound in his admission, a hint of hope laced with uncertainty. Did he truly mean it? Could he really see her as someone worth the risk, worth the effort? And yet, just as quickly, the self-doubt crept in. What if she didn’t know how to be that person for him? What if she couldn’t handle the weight of their desires?
The chaos surrounding them mirrored her thoughts—a whirlwind of emotions she wasn’t quite ready to unpack. “Ren,” she started, her voice shaky, “I don’t know if—” And then: “Yeah,” She said, “I think I could too…”
haven’t written in a while so forgive me is this is ass bt here @Madilfill