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“That’s what it feels like sometimes. No matter what I do, I can’t avoid him.” He sighed, running his hands through his dark hair. He had intended to stay out of Renlin’s way at the sleepover and well, that certainly didn’t stay true for long. “But, if you want my help getting ready, I won’t say no.” He added, trying not to let on that she was beginning to convince him.
“Fck Renlin…”
Tae looked at Ayla in surprise as she spoke. He couldn’t imagine her taking on Renlin, nor did he want to, but her protectiveness comforted him. Still, he shook his head. “I would never forgive myself if you got hurt because of me.” Having experienced the violence his cousin was capable of firsthand, he refused to let her go into the path of it. “It’s hard not to let him when he’s constantly looming over me.”
“Sometimes I wonder if my dad wishes my brother was still here instead of me.” He confessed, staring at his comforter. He no longer remembered what it was like to not have guilt and grief weighing him down and he wasn’t sure he knew how to function without it. “Other times I wonder if he hates me and just won’t say anything because of my mom. Or if he regrets choosing us over his first wife. Which is stupid because he’s never been hateful towards me or my mom but I can’t get the thought out of my head.” This was the first time that Tae was saying this out loud and he couldn’t deny that it felt nice to get it out there. He could never say it to his family because they would tell him he was worried about nothing but the thought had been constantly in the back of his mind since the accident.
He nodded as she told him that Renlin’s feelings were not his responsibility, even though part of him wasn’t convinced. “Isaac would hate this.” He spoke quietly, fidgeting with his ring. “He was always trying to get Renlin and I to get along. He would have wanted us to be there for each other instead of at each other’s necks.” This wasn’t the first time Tae had thought about this since his brother died. Sometimes he wondered if Isaac’s death could have brought them together if it had happened under different circumstances. Isaac and Renlin were like brothers and he and Tae could have comforted each other through the loss instead of falling deeper into this pit of hatred.
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@eunoia - Ayla