She felt bad. Dariana felt extremely bad, her mother had given her cookies and all she could do was drop them on her bed and stare intensely at them. She will not eat them, she will not eat them and she wouldn’t but she felt bad. To make the guilt disappear she had told herself, ‘it would be a gift for my twin’ a gift from mother to her, Dariana bit her nails- a habit of hers she didn’t like but did when she was nervous or stressed. She sighed drinking a bottle of water, maybe she needed a walk. Yeah, Dariana bit her nails, she needed a relaxing walk.
Dariana walked around the palace in circles and thoughts, she was always lost in thoughts but at times she never really knew what she was even thinking, she just was. ‘i wonder where Austin is and if she’s happy’ Maybe she could bump into Austin somewhere here, Dariana smiled. When she had first met Austin, she could not believe they were twins and when Austin had dared to say that they had the same face- copy and paste- Dariana felt insulted because she hadn’t really taken a good look at Austin’s features and judged her too harshly based on her… on her tomboyish appearance, she’s glad now tho. She’s glad that she met Austin, even though at times from the letters, Austin could be so… Austin. Not that it was bad to be Austin or something, but sometimes Dariana wished that Austin behaved more ‘proper’ and wore dresses, skirts or feminine shorts instead of slacks on good days.
‘Ari, you’re young now but when you grow up you have to understand people don’t have to conform to your standards and you don’t always have to be perfect’
Her mom would usually tell her, that was true- people shouldn’t have to conform to her standards but sometimes her mind drifted of to a world filled with people that acted the way Dariana wished they did (impossible she knows, bad thinking she knows but as someone who wishes to be perfectly perfect… it was ‘normal’) for the other part, Dariana hated to say it but her mother was wrong. Mother is never wrong but the ‘you don’t always have to be perfect’ lesson was wrong. If her mother wasn’t such a goddess she would realize how important Dariana being perfect was. She could not be raised by her mother and not turn out, not turn out perfect. If humans weren’t perfect then Dariana didn’t want to be considered a human, she wanted to be whatever her mother was.
The truth was, it was easier to survive our lives than our skins and Dariana didn’t think her mother realized that. She smiled, her mother who was like the fragile moon could never understand that and Dariana was happy for that. Dariana longed to see her sister or write her mother a letter, she wanted to ask them, ‘are you ok?’ knowing that what she really wanted to say but for some reason couldn’t is, 'are you happy?"
She hoped they were happy and not just ok, because Dariana was ok but she wasn’t really that happy. It was better to be happy but not ok than ok and not be happy. At least your struggles could become tears and be wiped by a loved one, Dariana mused. She sure thought a lot, huh? Maybe she was not made out of skin and bones but of words. Yeah, Dariana believed when God said ‘let man be made in my image’ or of flesh and bones, when he breathed dust and turned it into flesh and bones, God only breathed words and wrapped it in dust when creating her. That was why she was an over thinker, she did not have enough bones or flesh to distract her from thoughts. It was like-
Dariana’s eyes widened as she almost tripped on something. She blinked seeing a girl, realizing that she was almost about to fall on her. “I sincerely apologize, I promise it was not my intention to almost wound you.” She told the brunette in the simple light blue dress. Dariana curtsied, “I’m Dariana, Dariana of providence Zuni” she said to the girl realizing she was another selected, Dariana wondered which providence she came from and her caste. She looked the brunette up and down, it was definitely not from a high caste, but that didn’t matter to Dariana and it shouldn’t. Her mother was never prejudice, so Dariana shouldn’t be too. Though, Dariana couldn’t but think of how it was a shame. If the girl was truly from a low caste, with a face like hers that would be a shame. The girl had a model like face, she could have made it big in the model industry. If she didn’t win the selection, Dariana hoped the girl married rich. It would be a shame to waste such a pretty face, in Dariana’s world, things like that wouldn’t happen.
@Jass - Leah