Compatability Test - 2029
“Dori, Dori, Dooooori, Loooove, Dooooori, Daaarllingggg” Jess squealed, running towards her boyfriend who was currently sleeping. Crazy right? Jess awake and Dorian asleep? Well, to that, Jess questions did she ever really fall asleep? No, no she did not - and yes, it was currently 5 AM approximately 30 minutes before Dori usually woke up to go for a run. And yes, Jessica may have drunk an oat milk latte with 3 shots of expresso a few hours ago. BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM HER? She had a work assignment due two hours ago and… well… that expresso was still in her system so she couldn’t bloody sleep after she had turned it in.
So… what did she do? Maybe she got stuck in that lil hole called the deep dark web and she just… kept kind of clicking any link that came up on youtube. Yes, at one point she was watching a video about a tattoo tour on Andy’s body but like… look he has a lot of tattoos and it was a bloody interesting video. BUT it was kind of bloody rude that he didn’t talk about the 14 tattoos that were COVERED BY HIS SHORTS. So what did any sane person who had Andy’s phone number do? Well, OBVIOUSLY she spammed him.
To: McNugget
From: Tastier Nugget
Message 1: WHAT ARE THE 14 TATTOOS ON YOUR NETHER REGION?
Message 2: HOW COME I’VE NEVER SEEN YOUR ASS TATTOOS?
Message 3: I WANT TO KNOW
Message 4: IS THERE A NUGGET ON YOUR BUTT?
Message 5: SEND ME AN ASS PIC
Message 6: You better bloody send me a peach pic when you wake up you wanker
Message 7: If you’re going to brag you have a better ass than me, I deserve to see it
Yes… suffice to say.
There were a lot of messages from the hours of 2:15 - 4:45 AM.
Oopsies.
Blame the caffeine.
Also… it wasn’t the only message she sent that night. Um… sorry Celine… and Zac… and Val… and all others… look… there were just a few questions she had after finding various videos online. Like, could anyone blame her for asking Celine if she ever hooked up with Justin Bieber? THERE WAS A VIDEO ON IT AND HOW THEY HAD A WHOLE 2 YEAR RELATIONSHIP IN SECRET. Or or… asking Val about the secret conspiracy theory that she was a time-traveling princess from the future? OR ASKING ZAC EFRON IF HE HAD SECRETLY PROPOSED TO SOMEONE IN SPACE.
These were all very valid questions.
From youtube, Jess may have wandered onto the internet itself… which leads to right now. Jess may have found a Compatability test GQ released a few days ago about Dorian DeLoughrey. Yes, this was the same Dorian DeLoughrey that Jessica was dating once again… on the down low after they made up a few months ago, of course. But, dating nonetheless. Here’s the bloody issue though this 10-question compatibility test was hard - and clearly, Jess needed her boyfriend’s help on it.
Hence, well, waking him up… aka bothering him 30 minutes early.
“Mmmhm?”
Jess found Dori’s arms wrap around her waist, pulling her onto the bed, and simply stuffing his face in her neck without MOVING. Mister, she didn’t come here to cuddle, she needs help on an important assignment.
“Doooooorrrii stooop, I need help,”
“With?”
“Take this quiz to see how compatible you are with famed soccer star, Dorian DeLoughrey,” Jess stated, quoting the article’s title from her phone. “I’m struggling with a few questions,”
“Jesssss, go to sleep.”
Not until you help me… Are you ready? Alright, so question one. You’re ideal first date is: A. a morning run on the beach watching the sunrise, B. A double date at a bowling rink. Or C. Netflix and Chill,… So like, you see why I’m confused right? First and foremost, nowhere does it say ANYTHING about food. A morning run? Me? No - god no. You’d have to carry me. I’m bloody trash at bowling, I mean you saw me that time I accidentally rolled a ball into that other person’s lane, and then Netflix and Chill is all fun and games until the Chill part doesn’t include food. Like, what the bloody hell am I supposed to pick. I was hoping I’d see a fast food date or something but noooooo."
“Netflix and Chill will have food.”
“Good food or…?”
“Whatever you want.”
“Okay okay I’ll pick that. Next question, favorite color… easy. Dogs or cats, easy. Though, I’m still offended that you said Heidi was too good for my lil rascal, Einstein. Okay okay here’s another question I’m confused about, 'You’re going on vacation with Dorian, where do you suggest you go? A. London, B. Italy, C. California. Like hear me out, I know you tell me you like London, but ar you just telling me that to tell me that because I like London? OOoorr do you actually like London? And do you really like California? I mean, you lived there your entire life so why the hell would you go there for Vacation? I want to say Italy, but the real answer is Mexico but like Mexico isn’t bloody on here.”
“Jess…”
“Are you going to tell me the answer or…” Jess frowned as Dorian closed her phone and put it on the bedstand before pulling her in closer against him. “Trust me, we’re compatible”
“But what if the test gives us like a 4% huh? What then, love? I didn’t even get to ask you the question about your favorite sex position. I mean, you told me you like one when we were younger, but ever since we’ve started dating, you seem to prefer…”
Jess found a smile meeting her lips when he couldn’t finish that question, finding Dorian on top of her - pinning her hands above her head as his lips went to her neck. “You didn’t answer my question, darling” “I think that answer is better shown, not told.”
A tired yawn left Jess’ lips as she woke up from… well… her much-needed sleep that didn’t last nearly long enough. Walking towards the living room, Jess went towards the couch where Dorian was sitting watching a… baseball game? Who knew?
Taking a seat next to him, Jess stuffed her head in his chest. “So I think we need to break up. We’re only 61% compatible. Did you know that you prefer your first date as a run on the beach? I could bloody never. Me? Exercise?”
“Jess. Shush and I’ll get you McDonalds”
“DEAL.”
@CerealKiller Val and Andy and Celine Mentioned