Alt: What if? - Kai lost most of his family
It hadn’t been that long since Jess was discharged from the hospital, but she was getting better. Her body was hurt, yet healing, but her heart still had a long way to go, as did Kai’s. Perhaps that, and his mind dwelling on what had been lost led him to mumble an apology out of nowhere.
They were lying together in his bed, her having been staying with him since leaving the hospital, and Kai softly placed his hand on Jess’s stomach. “I’m sorry…” Nothing had brought it up, but he felt guilty for what happened, and heartbroken wondering what the baby would’ve been like, how it would’ve been finding out she was pregnant if everything hadn’t of happened… and he was sorry that Jess would have to feel this pain, that his child wouldn’t get to grow up, and for himself, that he wouldn’t get to be a father.
It seemed Kai wasn’t the only one whose mind was on what happened, as soon after Jess finally brought up a question that was bound to come up eventually. “Why didn’t you tell me you had another sister?”
Kai paused for a moment, sitting up when he heard the words. He told her about his little sister, Akielah, the night of his birthday and how she died… but he never told her about Elettra, his older, twin sister. He always tried to not think of her, but then she stabbed Jess, killing their baby, when she meant to kill him… Knowing they shared the same blood made it hurt all the more. He hated her for everything she did. She wasn’t family to him, and hadn’t been in years. “I don’t think of her as my sister anymore… We were twins… and she was the one who killed my little sister.”
“And you left that out before.”
“I tried to forget about her… but what she did… I can’t…”
“I’m sorry… I…I know bad sisters… but I don’t think Anna would ever go that far”
“It just… it should’ve been me… Not my sister… not you… not… our baby…” Kai told her, each word growing harder to say than the next. It was always supposed to be him. He knew that. He should’ve died instead of his sister, he should’ve been stabbed instead of Jess. He felt that he was supposed to be the one that died.
Though, the way Jess wrapped her arms around him, burying her head in his chest, said she felt otherwise, even before he heard her whisper, “No.”
All he could do was put his arms around her, on the verge of a full breakdown, before whispering back, “I would’ve done anything to keep her from hurting you…” They held each other, crying silently, for a while before Kai could only add, “It was all my fault…” He knew it was his fault, and he didn’t see a reason to not blame himself.
It was then that Jess brought her hands to his cheeks, making his eyes meet hers as she shook her head. “Don’t blame yourself Kai… you couldn’t have stopped it.” Maybe he couldn’t have, but he should have. He felt like he should have been able to do something…
“What happened to you, to the baby… was because of me… my sister… my mom… it’s my fault they aren’t here Jess…”
Jess looked at him, with a slight confusion visible in her features, before wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him once again. “I don’t know… what happened, kai. But I do know that anyone who reacts like this… it’s not their fault.”
He couldn’t stop thinking about how he had Akielah come into the kitchen that day, then his mom… his health… he had her so worried… and then she was gone too… “I was the reason my little sister was there… I was the one who was supposed to die, not her… I was the one who worried my mom so much she didn’t take care of herself. I didn’t kill them, but I’m still the reason they’re gone…”
For some time, they sat there, quiet, before Jess got up, leaving the room. Perhaps it would be better… if he was on his own. He would be too much of a burden. He was broken and… his train of thought was broken by Jess sitting back down next to him with a full container of ice cream. “This doesn’t… fix everything… or anything really but it helps… I think.” she whispered, leaning against Kai. “I can’t convince you that you’re not the reason they’re gone, Kai. I know I can say it’s not your fault, but it won’t work unless you believe it and nothing I can say right now will take away years of how you’ve felt.”
At that point Jess let out a small laugh as she took a small bite of the ice cream, then added, “Honestly, I still think I should be dead… for a lot of reasons but that’s not relevant right now. Here’s what I can say… let’s be alive right now… together. We can’t change the past… even though we both wish we could… but I need you Kai… so be with me right now and we’ll live for those who we lost together.”
Kai put his arm around Jess and kissed her, though not making a move to eat any of the ice cream. The more he thought about the past, the less he wanted to eat. It was nothing against the ice cream, or food in general, but memories of the past always took away his appetite.
He kept quiet for a while, only taking a bite of ice cream if Jess directly offered it to him, before finally admitting, “People say I’m lucky to be alive… but it doesn’t always feel like it…”
She turned to look at him with a small sigh, “I’m lucky you’re alive… I love you.”
“I love you too. If I’m lucky… it’s because you’re still here.” He said, before they sat there cuddling without another word.
Despite Jess’s comforting, Kai’s mind remained on the past, especially as he later found himself standing in front of the bathroom mirror. He rarely looked at himself in the mirror, especially shirtless where he could see his scars. There was no hiding from the past when looking at the surgical scar that went straight up his abdomen, or the scar on the upper part of his chest. Looking at it for too long made him feel sick to his stomach. The scars only reminded him of pain and suffering, not of survival or being fortunate to be alive.
Kai was entirely lost in thought when he felt Jess wrap her arms around him, able to tell something was wrong. “If you’re looking at the scars, I think they look hot.” she said kindly, giving him a soft smile, likely trying to get him to smile. “What’s going on in that mind of yours?”
All he could do was give a weak attempt at a smile in return. He didn’t feel like anyone could see his scars that way, he certainly didn’t. “You’d be the only one… I just see a reminder of everything I’ve lost…”
For a moment, they were both silent, before Jess kissed his shoulder and softly whispered, “Those scars mean I haven’t lost you though.” Jess was smart, she could figure out that his scars weren’t from something minor. She likely knew that the one scar was from surgery, perhaps even the other scar, but she had no way of knowing the full story.
“Just a future…” Kai stopped himself, needing to pause knowing what he was going to say next. She didn’t know what he meant by it, and he knew that. To him, his scars were a reminder of the pain he caused, and of what he may never have, no matter how much he wanted it. “I can’t have kids, Jess… that’s what those scars mean… I can’t…”
Kai looked down as Jess stepped back, then looked back at her as her gaze met his eyes, which only showed his pain. “so you mean… our baby…”
“might’ve been my only chance…” he said sadly, finishing her sentence. He didn’t think it was even possible that he would be able to get her pregnant like that in the first place, but he did… and now that baby, their baby, was gone, and he may never have another chance to have a child like that again. Jess didn’t have words to say at that point, just pulling him into a hug which he tightly returned. Under different circumstances, losing that baby would have still been devastating, but this loss was greater in a way because of the situation, and their hearts were broken.
@benitz786 - Jess