＊✿❀ Annie after senior year (Part 1) ❀✿＊
TW: grief
What am I supposed to do, if there’s no you? — Soon You’ll Get Better by Taylor Swift
The way Annie’s life looked right now, calling it ‘living’ would be an insult to the word itself. At her mom’s funeral, she couldn’t make it out of her room. Weeks crept into months and she had retreated entirely to her bed. Her days had blurred together into long, dark and empty periods of time that had no purpose and seemingly no end. Even tears couldn’t grant her some relief, as they soon ran dry. The weight of her grief pushed her to a feeling only of numbness than anything else. It had swallowed her whole, leaving only a shell of her former self who was deprived of every ounce of energy and feeling.
People gave their best efforts. Justin and Kyra had checked in, though usually their own grief would unintentionally enable her further. Her father had been persistent, with his words of love and encouragement from the funeral and after that. But all that came through was a reminder of her biggest mistake, the pain she had caused him and an inability to forgive herself for that. Annie had been a disappointment, and he was the prime example of that. So she listened to his attempts to get through to her, with a forced smile and a surface-level acknowledgement of them. Beyond that, she didn’t deserve his affections, and so couldn’t accept them. From her classmates, they had sent plenty of their concerns and best wishes to her. But none of which she would receive, her phone dead and neglected, collecting dust under her bed.
The world outside her door had become a foreign and distant concept. Time had stood completely still, and she couldn’t see a way out. The tunnel she fallen into was suffocatingly dark, with no sign of a light at the end, and there wasn’t anything she was going to do to change that.
＊✿❀ ❀✿＊
Sudden brightness filled her room, illuminating the neglected space Annie had buried herself in. She hadn’t heard anyone come in, let alone someone advancing across the room and swiping open the blinds. So the stark adjustment to her environment had been a surprise, a jolt that gave her a fragment of energy that she used to lazily shield her squinting eyes from the sunlight aggressively pointed towards her.
“Well, this is a sight for sore eyes,” A voice pierced through the silence that the room had become accustomed to. The tone was assertive, bordering on judging, far removed from the hesitant, gentle approaches that had been taken on Annie prior. This person wasn’t tiptoeing around her with consideration, but stomping in with immediate cause for disruption, and they weren’t stopping. Ignoring Annie’s barely-audible protest, the second window was unveiled, unleashing another flood of light - just as she had very nearly began to adjust to the first. She winced, completely covering her face with both hands, a childish groan escaping her as she turned to her side and wished to wake up from whatever nightmare this was.
But then this ruthless and evil person even leaned forward to pry Annie’s hands away from her head, “Oh, no, no, we’re not doing that,” They said, then for the first time the person was in Annie’s line of view. When her eyes eventually adjusted, and she sifted through the distant memories of life outside, she finally identified the person as Paige Pierce. If she was in touch with her emotions right now, she might have felt embarrassed at Paige seeing her in this state, or even confused as to why she was here, but nothing came to her. “Annie, when was the last time you ate?” She asked, her expression resembling something of concern for a moment. Until she stood still for a moment and truly inhaled. “Or… showered?” Her questioning was followed with a period of silence - of expectancy from Paige for an actual response. “What day is it?” Annie finally asked, her throat dry and scratchy. “Thursday,” Paige answered without missing a beat, their exchange stalling once again awaiting the barely-responsive Annie. “Actually that doesn’t help,” She mumbled through a sigh.
Then Paige did something to really surprise her, “Come on,” She huffed, taking Annie by the shoulders and pulled her to sitting up. “What are you…-” She started, but her words faltered. Before she even had a moment to process, and protest, Annie was hauled up onto her feet by Paige with unexpected determination. “You’re showering. Now. Then getting out of here,” Paige insisted, pushing her out towards the bathroom. This was a lot of sudden movement for Annie’s liking, leaving her blinking in confusing and holding onto her doorframe to steady herself. “Alright,” She muttered, her voice coarse with misuse, before begrudgingly heading to the bathroom.
Annie closed the bathroom door behind her, practically collapsing against it and looking up to the ceiling. She stayed there for a long moment, the quiet and stillness offering a respite from the whirlwind that had just landed in her room. Slowly, she dragged herself away, edging closer to the shower. Arriving at the glass door, Annie turned the shower knob, the cold metal startling her dulled senses before the sound of running water echoed off the walls. She pulled off the hoodie and sweatpants that had basically become a part of her for the last few weeks before stepping under the stream, allowing herself to become immersed in the water. She covered her face with her hands, rubbing her eyes as the droplets cascaded, the warmth only adding to her discomfort.
She wasn’t sure how long it had been, but eventually Annie turned the shower off and grabbed a towel, the room reverting back to silence. Then it was as if Paige could see what she was doing, because as soon as Annie went to reach for her worn in hoodie, a sharp knock at the door interrupted her. “You better not be putting back on those biohazards you’re mistaking for clothes,” Paige warned her, causing Annie to freeze mid-motion. “Open the door a little,” She was instructed, and Annie listened, unlocking and letting the door swing towards her slightly. Then the opening increased, to make room for the folded pile of clothes Paige was passing through to her.
Though Annie had certainly worn them before, the fresh pair of jeans and vibrant sweater felt unnatural when she put them on, like they didn’t belong to her anymore. They were clean, the sweater that was actually once her favourite was now tainted with the faint scent of detergent, and lacking in the worn-in comfort from her tattered hoodie that she had clung to for weeks. But her unease regarding her clothing soon took a new form when her gaze landed on the bathroom mirror. Staring back at her was someone she hardly recognised. The shower she had taken may have cleansed the surface level, but it failed to eras the image of the ghostly figure with dull, lifeless eyes looking back at her. She ran her hands through her damp hair, in a futile attempt to fix what she was looking at to no success.
Eventually, Annie found her way back to Paige. “There you are,” She said upon Annie’s entrance, with a softened tone that was unusual for Paige. Annie’s hands hovered awkwardly at her sides before folding them across her chest. Her gaze shifted back to her bed, feeling exposed to be out of it and longing to retreat back under the covers. Evidently, this had been caught by Paige, who straightened up and reverted back to her usual assertive tone. “Come on, we’re going out,” She told Annie, moving across the room to the door. Annie took a moment to process her words, “Outside?” She finally repeated, slowly beginning to shake her head. But as Paige continued, “Fresh air, trees, grass. Remember them?” her head shake picking up more of a pace. “That’s not happening,” Annie declared, definitively before going to lie back down. “You go, tell me all about them. Or something.”
＊✿❀ ❀✿＊
Annie stood in defeat amongst the chaos of the coffee shop Paige had taken them to. The rapid movement of baristas, barging of impatient customers and constant chime of registers were far removed from the sensory-deprived stillness she had grown used to and the occasional burst of noise would startle her each time. It was as if Paige had turned the world’s volume on max, and it frayed Annie’s nerves with overstimulation.
“… Annie?” She was suddenly able to single out Paige’s voice amongst the many. It was firm but still patient, and sufficed in drawing her back to the present, turning to her expectant face. “What?” Annie responded, her voice distant. “I was asking you what you wanted,” She explained. The words were slow to process, but then the pressuring eyes of the barista came into focus for Annie, her mind eventually caught up with the situation. The question was simple, and finding it difficult it made her feel even more out of place. “Oh. Nothing, thanks,” She answered, shifting in unease. “I could have guessed,” Paige remarked, smiling before turning back to the worker.
They occupied a table away from the bar and the cluster of people, which Annie appreciated. Sitting down offered her some sense of respite briefly, before Paige pushed a sandwich and a coffee towards her with a look on her face that suggested the start of a conversation. A knot formed in Annie’s stomach, she’d been good at ignoring and avoiding talks with everyone that had attempted in the last few weeks, but there was something about the look in her eyes that made her think this time won’t be as easy. Annie glanced back at the queues over people at the tills where they had just escaped from, and wondered which would be the lesser of two evils.
“Your mom would hate this,” Broke the silence, it’s unexpectedness jolting Annie and drawing her attention. Everyone had danced around that subject, and so for it to suddenly be an opening line was unsettling. “Giving up and hiding away. This isn’t what she wanted,” Paige told her, offering a gentle look as if to compensate for the firm approach she was going for. “What did she say in her last speech, at that award show?” She asked, though not anticipating an actual answer from Annie. Not that Annie would have known the answer, as she never revisited that speech after Sadie had died. “‘With ends come new beginnings’, she believed in turning the page. Because there are so many pages and entire chapters left for you, if you would just get that book out from under the bed,” Paige paused for a moment, leaving Annie to process this.
It took a conscious effort for Annie to steady her breathing, and avert her eyes from Paige. She didn’t like this at all. It made her uncomfortable, and what was worse was that it made her feel something. For the first time since Paige had arrived, maybe the first time in a while, it brought things up beyond the constant numbness. “You need to try, Annie,” She continued, “Sadie may not be here, and I am… I’m so sorry for that, but the least you can do is try to honour her wishes. She wanted more for you. If not for you, do it for your dad, Justin, Kyra. For your mom,” Paige’s voice was stable, offering an anchor to what felt like drowning going on in her mind.
Annie looked up to the ceiling, rapidly blinking and trying to contain this flood of emotion that rushed in out of nowhere. She took a deep breath, before returning her gaze to Paige. “How… how do I do that?” Her throat had tightened, so Annie’s words came out a whisper, but was enough to break the silence. The gap between where she was and where she needed to be had felt insuperable, and every day that passed she was pushing herself further and further away. “It’s not gonna come overnight, you don’t have to rush or ignore the pain. But if you can just do something, even once a day, to try and move forward. To get up, to open your windows, to look after yourself a bit more,” Paige’s gaze softened, and it was look Annie hadn’t seen on her face before. “There are still people here who love you and want to see you living again, and they’ll be here for you. I’ll be here for you.”
It would be an overstatement to say something completely shifted that day. It certainly wasn’t the end of Paige’s forceful interventions, or the solution to Annie’s many bad habits she’d developed. But when Annie got home that day, she pushed herself to open her laptop and watch the speech that Paige had referred to. She was confronted with her mother’s face; her smile, her warmth and the joy in her eyes that Annie had been deprived from. The tears came almost instantly as Sadie spoke of finding light in the darkest of times. Annie let herself cry, and feel the grief she had been shutting down for weeks in all its intensity. It didn’t make it go away, not even slightly. But it was a start.
＊✿❀ ❀✿＊
@benitz786 I hope I did Paige okay