There was a comfort that Mareena provided in her room that was replicated in the way that Dorian held her. But no matter how much comfort she had could replace the guilt she felt every day for what happened a decade ago. As she muttered her apology to Dorian… as half-assed as it was… she could feel him stiffen and she knew why. She wasn’t an idiot - he was expecting her to leave him again. To disappear with no words. And maybe part of her almost considered the easy route. But she couldn’t. For as much as she wanted to, she knew she couldn’t run away from every issue. She heard him ask her the question she never wanted to answer. Though soon she didn’t have to after Mare came out with the positive pregnancy test.
And there it was. She was pregnant - made once again real by him saying it. It was strange… these words were ones she wanted to tell him a decade ago and now here she was hearing him say it. “Are you not happy?” For some reason, those words made her cry more - her body shaking as he made it so she was looking him in his eyes. “Dori… I just… I don’t want to tell you this because… god…” Jess whispered not knowing how to say this but knowing she had to. “I don’t ever want you to look at me the way I look at myself in the mirror every day because I think it would kill me faster,” Jess whispered. The look of regret… the hating yourself. That’s what Jess had to work over with Jez for years. And still… to this day she didn’t feel as if she had gotten there.
Jess could feel more tears falling down her eyes as she cupped his face, “Dorian… when I left you… when I was 20… I was pregnant,” Jess started, “…and I was stupid. I didn’t… go to the doctor for a check-up because… I don’t… because part of me just wanted to go with you and I felt like… it was wrong to go without you so I just… didn’t,” Jess whispered, her tears falling harder, as she finally looked away from him, unable to look in his eyes for the next part. “And then I lost them… I lost both of our babies because I was an idiot who didn’t go to the doctor and… I almost killed myself over that moment… and I just… I don’t…” Jess mumbled - not even sure if her words were coherent in the moment as she touched her flat stomach. “I don’t want to lose our baby again Dorian. I’m just so… scared,” Jess muttered. It was this feeling… this inherent feeling of not being enough that always roamed her mind. And the thing was, no one could truly convince her that she was wrong. Because no matter what, it was her fault that she had lost her children and it would always be her fault. And now, her fears were coming true. Even though she wasn’t looking at Dorian at the moment… she knew the moment she did she’d see it. The face that looked back at her in the mirror every morning. And honestly… once she saw it. The last part of her that felt alive would die.