Well, I’m working this draft from part of the original, but thanks anyway.
This is advice
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If you need advice you can PM me, I’ll be glad to help you, as a psychology addict
Yeah… this seems a bit… dramatic and unreal.
But there’s too much of detail. Maybe make it a bit… vague?
She can say that she refuses to talk about it in a polite way then. Having a daughter who was abused (Eli), the parents should know better than to press on this kind of topic.
Ah, yes, that’s happened to me before. You start stuttering, sweating, shaking, your body kinda heats up, you start blaming and insulting yourself for stuff.
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NEWEST VERSION:
Anna: Hey!
Eli: Let’s go.
Anna: Okay.
They leave
(Eli’s house)
Mrs. Abe: So Anna…
Anna: Yes?
Mrs. Abe: How long have you known Eli?
Anna: almost a year
Mrs Abe whisper something to Mr Abe
Mr Abe: so what’s your religion
Anna: Religion?
Anna: I wouldn’t know, I was never taught about religion.
Mr Abe: hmm
Mrs Abe: do you have any past relationships
Anna: Yes, unfortunately.
Mrs Abe: oh
Mr Abe: Do you have a temper?
Eli: Dad…
Anna: I see where this is going.
Anna: Look Mr. Abe…
Anna: I’m not going to abuse Eli.
Anna: I’m not like that.
Anna: Because…
Anna goes silent
Mrs Abe: looks at anna
Mrs Abe: have you ever cheated on someone
Anna:…
Anna: umm
Anna: Look I love Eli.
Anna: With all my heart.
Anna: You have nothing to worry about.
Anna: I know Eli must have gone through something bad for you to be asking me this…
Anna: But I’ve went through hell.
Mr. Abe: Meaning?
Anna stands up and goes to a window and stares out of it
Anna: 6 years…
Eli’s parents whisper to each other
Mrs. Abe: 6 years of what?
Anna: 6 years of non-stop abuse…
Anna: Including being used as a human punching bag.
Mr Abe:Hmm
Anna: By my own stepmother.
Anna: Every year that went by…
Anna: I lost even more hope.
Quinn: Wow.
Anna looks back at Eli and her family
Anna: After going through that, I couldn’t abuse anyone.
Anna: Like my birth mom always said…
Anna: Violence is never the answer.
Anna: And even that wasn’t the lowest blow…
Jay: Hm?
Anna tenses up
Eli: its ok anna
Eli: you don’t have to say anything more
Eli:MäM(mom) please
Quinn nods
Quinn: That’s r-
Jay: What exactly was the lowest blow for you, Anna?
Eli: DAD!
Anna runs out of the room in tears
Quinn:go get her Eli
Jay:I’ll go talk to her
Eli: No dad.
Eli: I think you’ve done enough.
Jay:I’m just trying to watch out for you
Eli:i know
Eli:but you’ve gone to far
Eli: Now, if you’ll excuse me…
Eli: I’m going to get my girlfriend.
Eli goes to get Anna
Eli: Hey Ann.
Anna: Hey…
Eli: I’m sorry about my dad
Eli: Please. Dry those tears, I don’t like seeing you cry.
Anna: Sorry…
Eli: It’s fine.
Anna: why is your dad so over protective?
Eli: Well…
Anna: well what
Eli: its because of my ex
Eli: Kai
Eli:Yeah
Eli:but I loved him
Eli:i still do
Eli:but not in that way.
Eli:he was my first true
Eli:like you And Derek
Eli:i mean I had relationship before him
Eli:but…
Anna: But?
Eli:he made be feel special
Anna: I know that feeling.
Anna: Trust me, things happen for a reason.
Anna: No matter how messed up.
Eli: I know, if what happened didn’t, I wouldn’t have you. The most wonderful girlfriend in the world.
Anna blushes
Eli:i just wish my dad would let it go
They go back
Jay: So-
Eli: Don’t you dare ask it, dad.
Eli: I love Anna so much, so just stop!
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So I’m gonna give advice about writing triggers/panic attacks from my own experience. THis is just my own experience so keep that in mind.
It’s kinda hard to write about these sorts of things because it’s hard to visualize/relate to. Like I’d see people writing about panick attacks or something and even when I started having them myself I didn’t think I was having them because I had this other notion of what it “actually” was. I think it’s important to try to find some way to relate to the feelings that a person might be having if you don’t have them yourself. Like, how would you feel if you were on a stage? Like idk think of it that way. Like doing something that scares you. Probably would give you a panick attack so I think that you could take a similar experience and think of all the feelings that you felt and give them to the character.
And idk it’s not just, “She ran away crying” “she felt sick” like, to me that isn’t really showing and feels kinda blank. If that makes sense. Sometimes when feelings are compared to more relatable feelings and not actually stated what she is actually feeling then we can get a very heavy emotion in it. Like personally I relate to that more.
An example from a book I’m reading: “In its place came desires so alien that I could only assume they had been inside me for a long time, like splinters or shrapnel waiting to be pushed to the surface.”
Like even tho you don’t know what this is about, you can feel what the character is feeling because we’ve all probably gotten a splinter in our lives lol.
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I removed the panic attack and had her run out before Jay yelled at her. And before she had it.
I still think we this as readers we should be able to see the build up of emotion that led to her walking out. Like, what I said before still holds.
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And where should I even put that? Because NOTHING has happened for her to panic
Well why did she leave then lol? Like, you wouldn’t just leave somewhere like that without having some level of emotion or reason for it.
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She left because it was getting to personal, and I mean, nothing has happened for her to have a panic attack.
Sure but you experience feelings that make it uncomfortable when something like this happens. Like I think that the building feelings of uncomfortable ness or why she left the room should be described more.
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Then you tell me how you would do this scene.
Well for one we have different writing styles and yeah but I can try lol.
If I was writing a scene like this (not this exact scene) I’d describe the surroundings a lot more. It also depends on what you’re writing this for but I’m gonna assume it’s a story. if its a script it’d probably go a bit differently.
Ex: “The beautiful leaves were falling crimson from the trees as I ran up and grabbed their hand”
Like idk something like that. Like I put the running up to grab their hand thing there to describe the excitement the character would feel over meeting the parents (if I’m assuming that this character would feel more excitement initially than nervousness)
I’d describe the details of the house, I’d probably describe them walking in and I’d probably describe the MC fiddling with something or an object that they have around the house.
Like for this scene if I were writing it I would go for a mixture of nervouness and excitement for what the character is feeling.
I’d describe what the parents look like briefly and probably the MC’s short initial thoughts about them. I’d probably seat them on a couch and describe the room they’re in. I’d have the main characters thoughts first be more frequent so it seems like it’s more awkward and there are more pauses in between when the parents are speaking.
Cuz like you know when you meet someone new and you don’t know what to say?
I’d have them chattering about the weather or something with this awkward feeling then have Mrs Abe suddenly switch to, “So Anna” and Anna, seeing a break in this awkwardness latches onto it a bit in this over excited way. I’d do it this way because it’d make it seem more like she wants to impress them/engage with them which is why she answers their personal questions at first.
As the questions get more personal I’d have her thoughts get more frequent again and have her more reserved to answering the questions, then describe the feelings that she’s feeling and have her suddenly stand up, describe everyone’s surprise then have her leave.
Then have Eli run after her.
Like if I were writing something like this that’s how it would go.
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Neither of the girl’s exes are there. But you’re right about the story bit.
I didn’t mention anything about exes? I just used their and stuff like that cuz I didn’t know the gender of Eli and didn’t want to assume.
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And Eli is female
That means example
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Lol “Ex” in that case is short for “example”
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