New Blood | General Chat

[Caticorn]

@benitz786

You have to admit dan trained her well

maybe too well

[benitz786]

Definitely too well

She’s dangerous

Her and Laurel are dangerous

[benitz786]

To dans defense though

He probably trained them on that specific system

So they’re more inclined to know his systems weaknesses

[Caticorn]

Is that a defense or a poor choice on Dan’s part

[benitz786]

Sigh

Go away

[benitz786]

That bug will be fixed asap

[Caticorn]

Ha

[benitz786]

Shush

His child won’t ever be able to hack it again

Won’t catch Dan slipping twice

[Caticorn]

I’m sure Val made sure of that

[Caticorn]

Probably for different reasons but I’m sure she doesn’t want her children hacking their house either

[benitz786]

Nobody wants these kids hacking the house

No more waffle catapults pls

Poor Peter on a drone

[Littlefeets]

@benitz786

Shorts Series: Baby’s First Christmas - Aria Universe

Ahhh

@benitz786

but with a 4-year-old who had the energy of a caffeinated hummingbird and a 6-month-old who seemed personally offended by the concept of sleep, Jess felt completely justified.

Isn’t aria supposed to be like 5 or 6 at that point?
Cause she was 4 when Kai came into her life i think?

@benitz786

Aria froze mid-spin, her curls bouncing before she pointed the candy cane dramatically at her brother.

“He’d be a cute Christmas tree.”

Sweet baby aria

@benitz786

Kai snorted from his spot on the carpet, buried in plastic parts and an instruction manual that was clearly written in hieroglyphics.

@benitz786

“Don’t look at me. You’re the one who insisted you could handle this without directions.”

“I am following the directions!” Kai snapped, glaring at the manual before flipping it upside down. “They’re just wrong.”

“Right. It’s the manual’s fault. Not the fact that you skipped step two and jumped straight to attaching the doors.”

The instructions were probably wrong.
He probably would’ve been better off if he had gone without the directions

@benitz786

Kai groaned, dropping his head into his hands. “I’m surrounded by traitors.”

@benitz786

(only missing one suspiciously unimportant piece),

A totally unimportant piece

@benitz786

Toby was sprawled on Jess’s lap, fast asleep with a strand of ribbon stuck to his cheek.

@benitz786

“I love parts of it. Not the part where I have to keep you from accidentally super-gluing your hand to the floor.”

“That happened one time.”

“Once was enough.”

What happened there I wonder

@benitz786

“You’re on your own, Daddy.” Jess grinned, scooping up her coffee and retreating to the couch as Aria climbed onto Kai’s lap, already draping tinsel over his arm.

“Jess, don’t leave me with her!”

Letting him fend for himself…

@benitz786

“No, you were pretending to watch it while calculating how many pieces you forgot to put on the kitchen.”

@benitz786

Jess leaned into him, her voice softer this time. “Merry Christmas, Kai.”

“Merry Christmas, Jess.”

This was so adorable

[benitz786]

@Littlefeets

Cause she was 4 when Kai came into her life i think?

Ages bleh

Yes it’s supposed to be 5

[benitz786]

@Littlefeets

@benitz786

“He’d be a cute Christmas tree.”

Sweet baby aria

He would indeed be a cute Christmas tree

@Littlefeets

@benitz786

Kai snorted from his spot on the carpet, buried in plastic parts and an instruction manual that was clearly written in hieroglyphics.

Stop laughing Kai you should have finished building hours ago

[benitz786]

@Littlefeets

The instructions were probably wrong.
He probably would’ve been better off if he had gone without the directions

Sureeeee because that went soooooo well when he skipped parts before

Common sense is not so common

[benitz786]

@Littlefeets

@benitz786

(only missing one suspiciously unimportant piece),

A totally unimportant piece

Totallllly

@Littlefeets

@benitz786

Toby was sprawled on Jess’s lap, fast asleep with a strand of ribbon stuck to his cheek.

Cutie patootie

@Littlefeets

@benitz786

“You’re on your own, Daddy.” Jess grinned, scooping up her coffee and retreating to the couch as Aria climbed onto Kai’s lap, already draping tinsel over his arm.

“Jess, don’t leave me with her!”

Letting him fend for himself…

100%

He got this

I believe in him

@Littlefeets

@benitz786

“I love parts of it. Not the part where I have to keep you from accidentally super-gluing your hand to the floor.”

“That happened one time.”

“Once was enough.”

What happened there I wonder

No idea

But the thought of Kai doing that is so funny

[benitz786]

@Littlefeets

@benitz786

“No, you were pretending to watch it while calculating how many pieces you forgot to put on the kitchen.”

It’s at least 6

@Littlefeets

@benitz786

Jess leaned into him, her voice softer this time. “Merry Christmas, Kai.”

“Merry Christmas, Jess.”

This was so adorable

They had to get a Christmas misc on Christmas

[Littlefeets]

@benitz786

The Art of War and Waffles

Ooooh Dan

@benitz786

Dorian DeLoughrey? Absolutely not—Daniel was still convinced that man’s entire personality was a malfunctioning AI experiment gone horribly wrong. Dan was just waiting for it to malfuction OUT of his life. Malachi Azure? Please. Trusting Kai was like trusting a raccoon not to dig through your trash. Fckin impossible. And Andy McAllister? The man couldn’t even keep track of his own children/bastards, let alone his life.

Dan doesn’t know how to not mention them

I think they all live rent free in his mind.
He’s lowkey obsessed with all of them, especially Dori and Kai

@benitz786

But above all else, Daniel Parker didn’t trust silence.

So naturally, the deafening quiet currently radiating from his entire house was a bigger red flag than… well… him. Which was saying something. It was saying a lot actually. Not going to lie - Dan was fully scared.

When children are involved, silence is very concerning

@benitz786

but, it was one of those “don’t fck it up, Dan” days—which meant Daniel was left in charge

Good luck dan

@benitz786

7-year-old daughter, VC, his 8-year-old niece, Laurel, and their 2-year-old son, Peter

If peter is 2, shouldn’t laurel be 12 and VC be 10-11?
Cause val was pregnant during the reunion and peter was born right after that?
If I remember right

@benitz786

Oh—and Jezebel was out handling something at the office, so of course he got roped into babysitting with Laurel duty even though he had his own sh!t to do. Not that he was bitter or anything (okay, maybe a little).

Hey, Laurel loves her uncle Dan.
He’s like one of her favorite people in the world.
It’s Laurel Danielle Parker for a reason

@benitz786

He could handle three tiny humans for six hours AND finish his work. He could totally do it. Yep. No doubt… no… doubts at all… yep… fck.

Oh Dan…

@benitz786

“What the hell are you two doing—” Daniel started, before sighing and muttering under his breath, “Fck.” Great. He immediately winced, already picturing Valerie’s don’t curse in front of the kids lecture in his head

Well, Laurel’s done for. The damage has been done and the soon approaching teenage years will have plenty of swearing

@benitz786

where Peter had been just minutes earlier, ready to keep one child in his sight at least—but nope. Peter was gone too.

Cue the panic.

Uh oh…

@benitz786

It should’ve been impossible for anyone (even his kids) to outmaneuver it.

He’s taught VC and Laurel too well though.

@benitz786

It was his daughter—his 7-year-old evil genius daughter—and his equally as evil niece

@benitz786

who’d managed to… apparently hack his entire home system. And worse? They disabled his GPS tracking on them and Peter. WAS HE GETTING THIS SLOPPY?

No dan, you just were too good of a teacher

@benitz786

“VALERIEEEEE,” he groaned, already knowing his wife wasn’t here to fix this disaster.

Oh Dan… you’re going to be in so much trouble when your wife gets home

@benitz786

For a man who relied on his technology - and seeing that he couldn’t hack it back on because they had disabled the online router and spending the 14 minutes to reset the system to get control would take too long - this was a nightmare.

Poor dan

@benitz786

Click.

Valerie. Thank god. Some sanity.

“Your daughter staged a coup,”

@benitz786

“Our daughter,” she corrected, amusement in her voice.

“Nope. Yours. Fully yours.

@benitz786

She hacked my security system. I’m pretty sure she kidnapped her brother. Valerie, she’s turning into me.”

Isn’t that what you wanted Dan? A mini version of yourself

@benitz786

“Terrifying. What’s your plan, Sherlock?”

“Plan? My plan is to call the Pentagon and—”

“Dan.”

“Fine. I’ll figure it out.”

@benitz786

The issue was that Dan’s house was huge… with multiple hidden rooms… and doors… and… YEAH HE NEEDED his security system.

Poor Dan
At such a disadvantage

@benitz786

An actual, hand-drawn treasure map taped to her wall like this was a scene from Indiana Jones with an x marking the kitchen.

“Are you serious right now?”

@benitz786

The map led him through a series of clues—Post-It notes with ridiculous riddles that made Daniel question his life choices. was a plus right?

I wonder whose idea it was
I feel like it could’ve been laurel’s suggestion, making it like a real life video game

@benitz786

He groaned, quickly factoring it out to X = 2, flipping it over to find various answers with locations next to them. Signaling out his answer, he found that the next location: the laundry room. These kids… god damn it who raised them? Yes… him. He knew the answer was him. What did he do.

Poor Dan

@benitz786

“You have GOT to be kidding me.”

His irritation grew as he followed the ridiculous scavenger hunt, finding clues in increasingly absurd places.

Poor, poor Dan

@benitz786

Another was at the bottom of VC’s ball pit. DO YOU KNOW how long that one took to get out? FOREVER

@benitz786

“You’re getting warm, but if you need to chill, head to the backyard where waffles thrill.” What the hell did that even mean? By the time he stepped outside, Daniel was ready to throw his phone in the pool.

@benitz786

were VC and Laurel—covered in glitter

So much glitter

@benitz786

Oh, and Peter? Peter was strapped to one of Daniel’s rotating drones,

I mean, it is VC’s job to terrorize her brother

@benitz786

spinning in slow, delighted circles while clutching a waffle like it was a prize. The drone hummed steadily as it carried him in a wide arc around the yard, and Daniel could only stare in disbelief as his 2-year-old waved at him like this was some amusement park ride. “Oh my fcking god,” Daniel muttered under his breath, resisting the urge to facepalm as Peter let out a squeal of laughter, completely oblivious to the chaos around him.

@benitz786

“VC, WHAT IS THAT?”

“It’s for launching waffles, duh.”

“WHY ARE YOU LAUNCHING WAFFLES?”

“Artillery. Obviously.”

@benitz786

Alexa, call Jez.”*

“Calling Jessica Pierce.”

No! Cancel—Alexa, cancel!” YEARS IT HAD BEEN YEARS and alexa still hadn’t figured out how to differentiate between Jessica and Jezebel. COME ON MAN.

Why hasn’t Dan made that superior version of Alexa yet???
I thought that became a priority senior year

@benitz786

Too late. Before Daniel could shut it down, the ringing stopped, and he heard Jessica’s voice on the other end, loud and full of amusement.

"Whatssssss upppppp, looooserrr?” Real mature Jess, real mature.

@benitz786

“Why do I hear screaming? DO I HEAR WAFFLES DROPPING ON THE FLOOR? What the hell is going on over there?”

Very focused on the waffles

@benitz786

How did she know… how… god damn it. Jess and her food. It’s weird man. It’s weird.

Jess has like a sixth sense for food or something

@benitz786

“Sure you do.” Her laughter rang through the speaker. “Sounds totally fine and not at all like you’re having a full-blown meltdown. Today’s your solo day with the kids right? Anywayssssss, good luck with that. I’m hanging up before I get dragged into babysitting duty. Byeeeee!”

@benitz786

Finally—after manually dialing it this time and putting peter to walk around on the ground—he got Jezebel. Why was he trying to call her? JUST TO LET HER KNOW, just like he LET HIS WIFE KNOW, that her child was crazy.

@benitz786

“JEZEBEL. WHAT. THE. HELL. DID YOU PUT IN YOUR CHILD?”

“Good morning to you too, Dan.” Jezebel said, clearly unimpressed. “What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong? WHAT’S WRONG?” Daniel gestured wildly, even though she couldn’t see him. “Your spawn just hacked my security system, built a waffle catapult with my daughter, and turned my son into a human drone pilot. I REPEAT—WHAT THE HELL DID YOU PUT IN HER?”
“Oh, be sooooo real, Dan. That’s all you right there. Chaos runs in your DNA. I mean, what did you think was going to happen? You made the kid. It’s like building a nuclear reactor and being shocked when it explodes.”

@benitz786

“She strapped Peter to a drone, Jez! A drone! Like a syrup-covered missile!”
“And? Sounds like he was having a great time. Also sounds like something you did when we were kids.” Jez was unbothered. Years of Daniel’s antics had prepared her for this exact moment. “Look, Dan, you created this problem. You built that security system, and clearly, VC inherited your chaotic nature. Laurel’s just riding the wave.”
“Well, the wave needs to stop!”
“Then figure it out, genius. Isn’t that literally your whole thing?”
“Ugh, you’re useless.”

Very much like something Dan would’ve done at that age

@benitz786

turned back to the glitter-covered kids sitting smugly on the roof.

Oh they know they have the power here

@benitz786

VC and Laurel were still sparkling with glitter

And they will be for days

@benitz786

Seriously. HOW did Valerie do this when he wasn’t around? Was there some kind of secret mom magic? Did she have cheat codes for parenting? Because right now, Daniel felt like he was one minor disaster away from throwing himself out the window.

Poor Dan

@benitz786

He lined them up on the couch, arms crossed as he paced in front of them.
“Alright. What do we not do?”

VC and Laurel exchanged a look before letting out a synchronized sigh.
“Strap Peter to a drone and swing him around the backyard.”

“What else?”

“Hack your security system.”

“And?”

“Have a waffle coup.”

@benitz786

“And?”

Laurel chimed in. “Make Uncle Dan cry.”

“Exactly… wait…no not…”

@benitz786

Of course, that was the moment Valerie walked in—because of course it was. She froze in the doorway, her eyes scanning the wreckage. The glitter. The syrup. The catapult. The drone resting suspiciously in the corner.
And then her gaze landed on Daniel, who was holding a suspiciously sticky Peter and looking like he’d just gone through five rounds of psychological warfare.

@benitz786

looking like he’d just gone through five rounds of psychological warfare.

And losing

@benitz786

Val raised an eyebrow but didn’t push further. Instead, she turned to VC and Laurel.

“Upstairs. Showers. Now.”

The girls trudged away, muttering under their breaths, and Valerie turned back to Daniel with a smirk.

They both know Val is in charge

@benitz786

silently swearing that next time, Jezebel was taking the kids.

And she doesn’t have as many problems as this
But VC loves her dad, and Laurel loves her uncle dan. They like when he watches them

[Littlefeets]

@benitz786

He would indeed be a cute Christmas tree

A very cute christmas tree

@benitz786

Stop laughing Kai you should have finished building hours ago

Its not his fault that the stupid thing is surprisingly hard to build

[Littlefeets]

@benitz786

Sureeeee because that went soooooo well when he skipped parts before

Common sense is not so common

It’s the instructions fault, and he can’t be convinced otherwise