{ bonfire panic / August, 2005 / with Lizzy }
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The night felt darker the farther he got from the fire, like the trees and the lake were all closng in on him. Rudy wandered only a few dozen steps from the fire, but it felt like miles. The cool air coming off the lake should have helped but every breath still scraped his lungs. He braced his hands on his knees, as if that was going to help him feel steady. And this wasn’t new… this rising, restless hum inside him, but it was quiet for most of the summer. Tonight though… it came back sharp. His chest felt both too tight and too hollow. He counted to four, then tried again… in and out, the way he practiced alone and with his sister.
It almost worked. Almost.
Because Lizzy was right there, still back at the fire, probably wondering why he slipped away. That almost too perfect Lizzy. Perfect night… And that was the problem. Perfect meant real and real meant breakable. A year ago he told himself he would never ever need anyone like that again. Not after watching his mom fade so fast so the thoughts came back… Hospital room, laying there without a single broken bone, that white noise hiss of machines, the memory of how fast a life could be there one second and gone the next. How easy it was to love someone and then lose everything. Needing someone only ended in silence and yet he sat beside Lizzy tonight and wanted everything.
Rudy squeezed his eyes shut… Don’t think, just… count. His heart thudded so hard and as he tried to straighten the world swayed, the lake blurred at the edges. He pressed a fist to his chest like he could slow his heart that way. But that’s when he heard footsteps in the sand… Soft and careful.
No.
Please, not now.
A breath snagged, turned into a shallow cough. He dragged a sleeve across his forehead though it wasn’t cold. You’re fine, you’ve done this before. In. Two. Three. Four… Bit it didn’t help, the pressure only climbed. Lizzy’s voice cut through the quiet. “Rudy?” Every muscle in him flinched. He wanted to look back, to meet her eyes, but the thought of it made his chest feel even tighter, if that was even possible. He forced another breath and tried to push a word out. Any word… Nothing. He crossed his arms over his chest like he could shove the panic back down where it belonged. Come on, just say something. Prove you’re fine. “Y-” The sound scraped out, barely more than air. He swallowed hard, tried again. “Yeah… Why- why aren’t you with them?” Rudy tried turning toward Lizzy but he could not meet her eyes. Instead his gaze went to the shadows of the trees behind her and then he looked down, eyes fixed on the black water. It was safer to watch the water breathe than to let her see how hard it was for him to do the same.
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