Exactly 
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WAIT WHAT
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I WASN EVEN ONLINE
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Ok. Itās time for me to say my piece.
Frankly, if the confessor didnāt care enough at the time to think about how their confession would make anyone else feel, why am I being expected to give them the courtesy that they didnāt give me? Why am I expected to give someone the benefit of the doubt when they were actively threatening my livelihood? The place that Iāve owned for over a year and spent a hell of a lot of time, money, stress and tears to make?
And why is it that only Nemesis said anything at the time? If you agreed with him and you saw that I wasnāt going down his throat when he disagreed with me, what was stopping you from weighing in then? It sounds like, yet again, the confessors are doing a whole lot of damage by opening wounds up again and then trying to blame other people for it.
To be honest, in some ways, I think this is a form of emotional abuse. Yāall see that the confessions hurt someone ā someone who has been open and honest about their struggles with mental health AND COVID right now ā and your reaction is to wait until they calm down, just to tell them that their reaction wasnāt valid? To tell them that, while the confessor is allowed the courtesy of being branded as āmisunderstoodā, Iām not? And so many of you do it through the very confessions thread that obviously triggered me so much?
Fine. You do you. Do what you want. But donāt act like youāre any better than anyone who reacted badly. In fact, youāre behaving much worse. We were reacting at the time to a situation that was hurting us in the moment. You have time to think, reflect and look through the situation and you still choose to aggravate things. And you tone police along the way.
To be honest, when someone chooses to be anonymous, they lose their right to the benefit of the doubt. If I know the person and I know that they mean well, I can shelve my agenda. I can say ātake deep breaths, Shan. You know theyāre not that kinda personā and I can do my best to see the thing they said from the context of my other encounters with them. But when they choose to be anonymous, they lose that privilege because I donāt know who they are.
Iām sorry, but Iām not going to ever ever apologise for reacting defensively about the Forums. For you all, this is a place that you just spend some time on here and there. For me, this is a place that I spent hundreds of hours and dollars to keep up. Itās the place that probably got me banned from Episode, who knows. Itās the place that means everything to me and I have to fight my parents, mental health and lack of activity to keep it open. Itās in my prayers every single damn day because I care about it so much.
The following things made the confession a really sour one for me:
- I have always been very upfront about the fact that we need activity to keep this place alive.
- A little while before the confession, I posted saying we needed more money.
- The confessor used an anonymous form to do something expressly against the rules.
- In those rules, I also give very clear reasons why we donāt allow what they did. I was calm every single time someone threatened the life of the Forums in the past, choosing to close threads with an explanation of why we donāt allow what they did, even though itās right there in the rules.
- I was upfront about my COVID and my struggles with mental health problems and family issues and PTSD from sexual violence. People know Iām not in a good place, but they choose to, not only threaten something that means so much to me, but also to exacerbate something that is clearly a trigger for me.
- I was upfront about needing money this month.
- This isnāt just about me. I put up with a lot of flack for myself, but they were undermining the hard work of every single staff member out there, past and present. I wonāt allow them to undermine the amazing staff like that.
On top of all of that, all this does to me is prove that even the most well-meaning people just simply ignore the things I say about the Forums. They donāt read the rules. They donāt read the thread after thread when I explain why we shouldnāt promote other forums. All of the reasons why I would react badly to a situation like this are there for people to see. I try my best to be very open, transparent and fair when it comes to the Forums. And the worst part for me was, probably, how many people were replying to the damn confession saying they would join. I canāt expect you all to care about the Forums as much as I do, but I was kinda hoping youād tell me if you thought that we could make a better forum, you know?
Now, I understand that the confessor didnāt mean those things now and I accept their apology and I want to move on. I donāt have any hard feelings about them. My hard feelings are purely towards that damn confession. I donāt attach it to a single person on the Forums, whether they came out and admitted it was them or not. But I canāt promise that anyone else would not have hard feelings towards them as a person, so I understand why they would want to keep their anonymity now.
Fair enough. But Iām not psychic. I donāt read minds. I canāt see the future that theyāre going to apologise when a LOT of confessors on here are openly spiteful and vindictive. So, no. You donāt get to use hindsight to tell me I should have been more fair. You donāt get to expect me to see an outcome that didnāt exist yet.
Again, I will do anything to protect this place. I will do anything to protect my mental health. If you arenāt expecting the confessor to think about my feelings and the feelings of the Forum Staff ā people who actually have personalities and usernames that they are aware of ā then itās pretty f***ing rich for you to expect me to know whatās going on in the head of some faceless, anonymous person. You canāt expect me to put a person I canāt even knowās feelings above my own, when they didnāt do the same for me and youāre not commenting on that. Seems pretty hypocritical to me.
Youāre basically saying āyou should stop and think about what effect your words would have on this anonymous confessorā. Well, they didnāt do that for me, did they? I donāt have hard feelings. They were ignorant, not spiteful. They didnāt think. They werenāt evil. But they didnāt think about my feelings when Iām not anonymous, so why should I think about theirs in that moment?
You wish weād give anonymous people the benefit of the doubt? Well, I wish that people would give me the benefit of the doubt before they undermine all the f***ing hard work I put into this place. One of them is a lot worse than the other. One of them involves over a year of work and money and literal tears. I wonder if you can figure it out?
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EL NO YOUāVE OBLITERATED EVERYONEāS NOTIFICATIONS
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I WASNāT EVEN ON THE FORUMS 
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I formally apologize everybody
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I donāt have any hard feelings towards the person either. After all, you donāt even need an account to post a confession here. It could literally just be some rando
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To be honest, from my not-so-anonymous self, I feel like I deserve to make a confession.
I am so tired. Iām tired of trying to reach out to people for help they never give. Iām tired of having no one to talk to about the things that are really making me feel like I canāt breathe anymore. Iām tired of the fact that I can pour my heart to people I trust and they can just ignore me. Or put themselves first when I just need them to not see offence in everything I say for one moment. Iām tired of, when I rant about everyone letting me down, people saying āEVERYONE?!?!ā instead of addressing the fact that Iām hysterically crying right now.
Iām tired of knowing that people chat poop about me behind my back and then turn around and use the forums that belong to me to do it. Iām tired of the fact that itās like people think Iām some kinda robot who doesnāt feel ā to the point when they can acknowledge that an anonymous confessor might have fEeLiNgs that are hurt, but my hurt feelings are invalid.
Iām not invalid. Iāve been told too many f***ing times lately that my feelings are invalid. Iāve been through enough abuse and gaslighting lately to last a lifetime. Iāve been let down enough for two lifetimes. Iāve had people IN MY OWN family spread my personal abuse history around like gossip. Iāve lost my dignity by begging for money online. Iāve tried to attach myself to friends, only to have them stay silent when Iām clearly in pain. Iām so tired.
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Does anyone remember the time I had a scratched cornea after a fight with my parents? And I had to take a break from the Forums because I was actually at risk of going blind? I told lots of people, and the Staff were the only ones who so much as asked me if I was ok. So no. I care about the staff and the people who were on the staff team the most because it seems like theyāre the only people in the world who give a damn about me.
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Maybe a few OGs who arenāt staff members, too. But I care so much about the users on the Forums but it seems like they donāt care about me. So yeah. Iāll stick to the people who clearly care bout me. Iāll give them the benefit of the doubt when they hurt me. And trust me they do. A lot.
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And even then. I get screenshots of people who I care about and thought cared about me siding with people who are trying to bring the forums down just because theyāre upset with someone else and blame it on me.
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Why was this on watching for me just now-
Thereās a reason I muted this
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same 
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Iām unravelling, people. Iām broke af and I have so much to pay for this Christmas. Iām trying so hard to make the website awesome. Iām going through so much to try to make this place pay for itself. I lost Episode. I lost AdSense. And Iām still going. Iām still having flashbacks and nightmares. People telling me my feelings are invalid or downright ignoring me. People using the anonymous confessions to hurt my friends or pretend to be my friends. My family situation is super hard. Iām unravelling.
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Honest mistake, the forums seem to have glitched for El and turned the thread into a PM which sets it to watching. Sorry for the inconvenience, just set it back
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You owe me and my mental health a cookie now 
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Itās understandable, Shannii
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