Sometimes living feels like death - 2023
So what exactly happened after Jessica lost her kids? After… Daniel Parker brought her… practically back from the dead? Would you be surprised that it wasn’t an easy transition? Despite having Jezebel there to help pull her out of her own head, most of the time, Jessica Pierce just wished she was dead. She still just… wished she had died that day all those years ago. Her nights were filled with screams as the memory… the all-encompassing feeling of losing her kids filled her nightmares. The piercing pain in her abdomen was on repeat every single night and the only thing keeping her from falling off the edge was Jezebel Parker wrapping her arms around her and staying with her until she passed out from the exhaustion of crying.
Daniel had forced her out of London and back to his home in Beryl so that he, and Jezebel, could watch after her. Apparently, he didn’t trust her alone… though Jess couldn’t blame him. She didn’t trust herself. Danny had taken over her classes - creating some sort of online AI to basically do all her assignments for her. Honestly, Jessica didn’t know the exact mechanics of it all, and honestly, she didn’t care - all she knew was that she was taking every single day one at a time. If it wasn’t for her cousins, Jessica probably would be in bed all day repeating what had occurred weeks earlier in the crib she bought her child. However, they forced her out… forced her to shower… forced her to eat… forced her to live.
Losing her kids was only one piece of the pain she felt… after all, Jess had lost Dorian too. She couldn’t go to him with this… she couldn’t… ever put this pain on him. Just… imagine the way he would look at her. It was one thing to leave him when she still loved him, it was another for him to know that she lost his children because of her own idiocracy. It had been three weeks since she called him last… since she heard his voice because Jessica was set on him not pushing her away… until her accident that is. It had been 4 months since she had his arms around her body… his lips on her own. When her dreams weren’t filled with the pain she experienced a few weeks ago, it was filled with him: some real, some simply nightmares. The most recent one featured a look of disgust as Dorian realized what had happened, followed by him turning away from her and kissing someone else - followed by… well… sounds she heard that night she had gone back to him.
“What… really happened Jess?”
Jessica was laying in bed as she often did nowadays with Jezebel holding her tightly. It was another one of those nights - 1 am screaming followed by her cousin rushing in and wrapping her arms around Jess until she stopped hyperventilating. To calm down, Jez had grabbed Jessica’s phone and begin scrolling through the photos to try and bring her out of her own head. Jezebel knew how Jessica’s mind worked - how she could enter memory and have it fully take over her senses. A few of the more recent photos was with her and her cousins - a fake smile on Jess’ lips as she pretended to have fun. Though this time, Jez accidentally scrolled back to photos and videos with her and Dorian. Jez was going to close it - realizing what she did but Jess stopped her at a video of her a few days before the break-up.
“I loveeeee youuuu, you bloody idiot,”
Flashback:
A big smile met Jessica’s lips as she stood outside in the rain, looking up at the lit apartment she had come to know so well over the last year and a half. Jess had a little school holiday meaning she had the chance to visit her boyfriend, and wouldn’t you know, it was raining the night she got there. Of course, that meant that instead of coming up to his apartment to surprise him, she simply called him down uncaring of the fact that she was getting drenched alongside her suitcase. Did she scream into his window a few time? Yes. Did the neighbors probably think she was crazy? Very likely. Despite that, I love you were the first words out of her mouth (alongside calling him an idiot because this was jess) as he came outside, immediately wrapping his arms around her body. “I’m the idiot? You’re absolutely crazy Jessica… and I love you for it,”
End of Flashback:
–
Jess had her video on during that moment, recording as her boyfriend came down to greet her but rewatching the moment just made her… sad. It reminded her that she hadn’t talked to the man in weeks… and how could she talk to him? What would she even say?
“He deserved better than me,” Jess responded to Jezebel’s question as the girl closed the video on her phone. “I’m going to… I’ll be in the bath Jez… don’t worry… I’ll keep the door unlocked,” Jess said as Jezebel resigned any questioning she had about the subject. As she walked towards the bathroom at 1:32 AM, Jess simply sat in the bathtub - no water running as she looked at her phone. Jess didn’t know what pushed her to do it… but she found herself going to Dorian’s Social Media. He looked… happy. His recent photos were with friends… with… girls. Though, seeing something pop up - she found that right as she went on his page - the man had gone on live.
She couldn’t help herself… she clicked it… watching as on of Dorian’s friends met the screen - the two clubbing together. Jess watched as her boyf… her ex tried to grab his phone to get out of the live, though the friend clearly seemed relentless - answering questions that were being posed by the thousands of people who had joined alongside her. Hearing Dorian on the live was the most she had heard from him in months. Though she had heard his voice weeks ago… even then, it was mostly voicemail or he’d pick up, talk to her for a second before making an excuse that he had to go do something and it wasn’t like Jess could visit him. She was… as his coach told her… a distraction.
Though… as she continued to watch the live, she found Dorian practically giving up and walking away from his phone, though the friend turned the camera so they could watch Dorian as a girl immediately walked up to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. Jess heard the friend scream give the audience a show and it seemed the girl conceded because soon her… ex… was making out with the girl. That was when Jess closed her phone, hugged her knees, and closed her eyes. He deserved… he was happy. That’s all that mattered. Did that mean she wasn’t in pain seeing that? No. Rather, her heart was racing. Jessica Pierce didn’t know what happened but… something within her needed to get out. Walking outside the bathroom, she looked at Jezebel who was still on her bed. “Let’s go out Jez.”
Was it a good idea? Probably not - but clearly, her cousin would take any reason to get Jessica out of the house and back out into the real world… or she realized there was no talking Jessica out of it and it was simply better just to tag along. Either way… here she was, at a club where the music was so loud that it was hard to think. It was… the perfect distraction. Well… for a while it was. Jessica didn’t know how long she was there, dancing, drinking… forgetting about all the sht going on in her life. Until… she saw him. Or… so she thought. Jessica stopped on the dance floor, looking at the back of someone’s head on the other side. She could have sworn… it was… was it not… “Dorian?” Jess asked, going towards the man and putting her hand on his shoulder - only to realize that the man who turned around clearly wasn’t Dorian DeLoughrey. “I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean to…”
“Jessica? You’re Jessica right?”
Jess looked up again at the man who looked like her ex, her mind connecting the dots that she did, indeed, recognize him from somewhere. “Jason. I was on the Cerulean High Soccer team with Dorian,” . Great. Small talk that she didn’t want… though… after a few seconds of talking to the man it wasn’t… terrible. She found herself dancing with him… and then… she found his lips on hers. For a few seconds, she let it happen. She let herself lean into his touch… she let herself wrap her arms around his neck because he reminded her of him… he reminded her of the person she wanted to be kissing. But… Jason wasn’t… he wasn’t Dorian. Pulling away, Jess apologized before rushing away - walking outside where she was alone and falling to the floor against the side of the building as she let her head rest against the brick.
Her heart was racing again… and she found herself acting without thinking as she pulled her phone out… calling the one person she couldn’t stop thinking about. The phone rang until going to voicemail… She should have given up there… should have left it at You’ve reached Dorian DeLoughrey. I’m away from my phone right now but leave a message and I’ll get back to you when I can, but she couldn’t. She… she just… needed him… so she tried again, hearing it ring three times before someone picked up from the other end. “H…hi stranger,” Jess whispered at the silence on the other side. Jess could hear the beat of the music from the other end and after a few moments, she finally heard his voice. “Hey…Jess…” Jess heard people talking around him, someone - a girl - clearly trying to get him off the phone. “Hey I’m a little busy…”
She felt her eyes flutter close… just… needing his voice… needing even the smallest part of him. “Yeah…yeah I’m sorry I… I know it’s late I just… never… never mind. I just wanted to call and say I hope you’re having fun and … take a shot for me okay?” and with that… Jess hung up, not letting him say anything else as she found herself alone again. Alone… maybe this was what her life was supposed to be. No kids… no… Dorian… no love… just her. This was… it. Though was that really the case? After all, soon she was joined by her cousin who asked no questions but stayed with her as tears fell down her eyes.
@Littlefeets - Jezebel
@astxrism - Dorian